Home | Movies | Duck Soup | Scene: Secretary Of War
The Setup: Chicolini (Chico) has been employed by Trentino (Louis Calhern), along with Pinky (Harpo) to spy on Firefly (Groucho). Posing as a peanut vendor, Chicolini gains the attention of Firefly, who calls him into his office... (Note: all links in the text point to sound clips in Windows WAV format.)
Firefly: Hey! (Chicolini tosses him a bag of peanuts, which he catches) Do you wanna be a public nuisance?
Chicolini: Sure. How much does the job pay?
Firefly: I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Chicolini: Peanuts...to you!
Firefly: Have you got a license?
Chicolini: License? No, butta my dog, he's gotta millions of 'em. Believe me, he's some smart dog. You know he went with Admiral Byrd to the Pole?
Firefly: I'll bet the dog got to the Pole first.
Chicolini: You win.
Firefly: C'mon up here...I wanna scare the cabinet.
(Chicolini comes up to Firefly's office. The phone rings and Chicolini answers)
Chicolini: Hello? Hello? No. No, he's not in. Alright, I tell 'im. Good bye. (Hangs up phone) That was for you.
Firefly: I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with you. Now listen here...You give up that silly peanut stand, and I'll give you a soft government job. Now, let's see...How would you like a job in the mint?
Chicolini: Mint? Ah, no. I no like-a mint. Ah, what other flavor you got? (Phone rings and Chicolini answers) Hello? No, not yet. Alright, I tell 'im. Good bye. Thank you. (Hangs up phone) That was for you again.
Firefly: I wonder whatever became of me? I should've been back here a long time ago. Now listen here...I've got a swell job for you, but first I'll have to ask you a couple of important questions...Now what is it that has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?
Chicolini: At'sa good one, I give you three guesses.
Firefly: (Thinks) Now lemme see...Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia...Is it male of female?
Chicolini: No, I no think so.
Firefly: Is he dead?
Firefly: I don't know...I give up.
Chicolini: I give up too. Now, I ask you another one...What is it got big blacka mustache, smokes a big black cigar, and he's a big pain in the neck?
Firefly: Now don't tell me...Has a big black mustache...Smokes a big black cigar...And is a big pain in the...(pauses) Does he wear glasses?
Chicolini: At's right. You guess it quick!
Firefly: Just for that, you don't get the job I was gonna give you!
Chicolini: What job?
Firefly: Secretary of War.
Chicolini: Alright, I take it!
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(This page was originally created by Frank Bland for his 'Why A Duck?' website)