Mikael Uhlin's Marxology @ marx-brothers.org
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Judge Harpo
Scene 8Officer Hear ye all ye people
having business with the court, ye shall be heard. Make way for his
honor the Judge. Make way for the District Attorney.
Chico Good morning Judge
Officer Court's in order. Make way
for the
learned District Attorney.
Enter Groucho left
Groucho How do you do
your honor. I am here to convict a beautiful woman of murder in the
first degree, homicide in the second degree, and suicide in the third
degree. Let me know when I get to seventy degrees. Are you with me?
Here's a dollar on account. I would explain this case but what's the
use. He wouldn't understand it, you wouldn't understand it, and I
wouldn't understand it. I am certainly glad to before a Judge whose
hand has never been tainted by the lure of gold. A man who is not only
unbiased and unemotional but is practically unconscious. Judge, you
have no idea how you look. Prisoner to the bar.
Officer Bring in the jury.
Enter Beauty right and a dummy jury is pushed
on from
left.
Groucho I thought the Phillies were
on the
road.
Officer Hats off, Hats off!
Groucho Cupie dolls and baby dolls,
Chico She doesn't know.
Groucho Don't forget he who laughs
last
like dirty stories. I am going to send you to Harrisburg for twenty
years.
Chico Why?
Groucho Capital punishment. What's
your
name?
Chico She doesn't know.
Groucho Have you ever sold
prescriptions
for the Saturday Evening Post?
Beauty Certainly not.
Groucho Well, where did you get all
those
swell looking clothes, then. What's your age?
Chico I object. That's not fair.
Groucho Do you drink?
Beauty That's my business!
Groucho Have you any other business?
Chico How is business?
[MK: Groucho
Young lady...you are charged with murder, and if you are convicted you
will be charged with electricity...Why were you smoking opium in a
Chinese joint?
Groucho Who were you out with last
night?
Beauty The thief.
Groucho What time did you come home?
Beauty Six, this morning.
Groucho So you went out with the
thief and
came home with the milkman?
Chico The same thing.
Groucho If you came home with the
milkman
your story won't hold water. Why did you stab a Chinaman with this
revolver?
Beauty I didn't do it!
Groucho Well, I have a letter from
the
corpse and he says you did and he seems to feel terrible about it.
Beauty You accuse me?
You accuse me? You came to my home to give me a thrill and what
happened? After you called all my silverware was missing.
Enter Detective left.
Chico Who are you?
Groucho Scotland Yard.
Detective Never mind whose yard I am.
Do
you guys know that three palm beach suits were stolen from the Judge's
chamber?
Groucho Well, I only got one.
Beauty Mr. Detective, did you know
that all
my silverware was stolen?
Detective I am very sorry my little
lady.
Just step outside. I'll attend to these guys.
Chico That's my suit.
Detective Well, it doesn't fit you.
Chico I know. I had it made to order.
Detective To Groucho
Does that suit you have belong to you?
Groucho Only the vest.
Detective To Harpo
Come
down out of there you. Come on, make it snappy.
Chico That's my brother.
Detective To Harpo
Is
that your brother?
Groucho Figure that out.
Detective To Groucho
Are these your sons?
Groucho Yes.
Detective Are you their father?
Groucho No.
Detective To Harpo
Is
that your father?To Chico Is that your father?
Chico I'm not sure. It was during the
epidemic.
Detective Who are you?
Groucho The Shepherd of the Hills. I
lost
my sheep.
Taking knife out of Groucho's pocket.
Groucho Sterling!
Chico Here, I found one too.
Detective Found one, eh?
Groucho Why don't you search him?
Detective I don't have to search him.
Groucho You can't. You haven't got a
writ
of epideta.
Detective When I go out after a man I
get
him.
Groucho You would have made a good
woman.
Detective I know my business, I do.
Groucho Go on, why don't you search
him.
You're smart. You're instinctive.
Detective I'm what?
Groucho I don't think I'll say that
again.
Detective Certainly I know my
business.
I've been a detective for twenty years.
Groucho Why don't you justify your
justifications which are judiciary?
Detective What has that got to do
with me.
To Harpo.
My boy I feel sorry for you. You are in bad company. A big honest round
eyed boy like you. I can tell you are honest simply because I can tell
an honest man when I see him. You have a face like Washington. Why it's
men of your character that are a credit to this country. I want to say
I am sorry for you. What would your mother say? The more I look at you
the more decent you are. Well, you certainly surprised me!
During the speech, Harpo has been dropping
knives out
of his left sleeve until the sleeve is empty.
Black out. Close Art Curtains.
Scene 9 - Art CurtainCarlotta Miles & Lloyd Garrett Lights up! Enter Beauty and Chief left.
Chief Wanna, when am I going to see
you
alone?
Beauty Engagements eight weeks in
advance.
Chief More thrills?
Beauty And are you going to try?
Chief I am not a fortune hunter. You
alone
are the treasure I want.
Scene 10 - song "Rainy Day"
Carlotta Miles, Lloyd Garrett, Melvin
Sisters,
Gertrude Cole and Mildred Joy
Enter four girls who sing Rainy Day Chorus. At the end of chorus all exit left. |
Script source:
Library of Congress, Washington.
Variations marked MK from Miles Kreuger Collection,
Institute of the American Musical, Los Angeles.
The sheet covers of The Thrill Of Love and Only You offers a longer title of the final song, I'm Saving You For A Rainy Day. In 1925, when I'll Say She Is had closed on Broadway, the show went back out on the road and by then I'm Saving You For a Rainy Day was cut and replaced with The Only Only One is You, sung by Ruth Urban. A review in Variety,
May 28,
1924, mentions that Harpo "sent
the house into spasms with his knives and forks bit. The amount of junk
hidden up his sleeve is surprising. Harpo is the world's funniest
dropper of silverware". This specialty first appeared in
vaudeville-show
Home Again and was also
included in the film version of
Animal Crackers. Variety
further says that
the trial was "borrowed from the old burlesque
afterpiece, Irish Justice". A similar
trial also appears in Duck Soup
in 1933, and in a cut scene from At
the Circus
(photos below).
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