The Marx Brothers
The Play's The Thing Theater Company, Inc.
A Night In Elsinore

Bernardo: There is the apparition!
Horatio: I don't believe it.

Francisco: Ask the ghost if we should go to war with young Fortinbras.
Horatio: No. He says Fortinbras is too many. He thinks we should go to war with Thirteen-bras.

Claudius: Now, good Laertes, did you have something you wished to ask of me?
Laertes: Yes, sire, your leave and favor to return to France.
Claudius: ...Go, enjoy yourself. And be sure to send some postcards.

Hamlet: Horatio -- or do I forget myself!
Horatio: Well, I don't know. Who do you think you are?

Gertrude: Hamlet, I loved your dear departed father. No woman could have loved him more.
Hamlet: Of course not! No other dame had a chance. Not with you watching him like a hawk.

Horatio: Now your son, he's a lender, and what are we gonna do? Hey, I got a great idea! You loan me ten gold kroner, and then I'll pay Laertes back, and then he won't be a lender anymore.
Polonius: But if I lend you the money, then I'll be a lender and you'll still be a borrower.
Horatio: Okay, I got a better idea. You don't be a lender, I don't be a borrower. You just give me the money. How's that?

Hamlet: Okay! Don't worry. I won't hurt mom. Just Claudius.

Guildenstern: Who's he?
Rosencrantz: That's the king!
Guildenstern: I thought you said the king was dead.
Rosencrantz: The old king is dead. This is the new king.
Guildenstern: He doesn't look very new to me.

Hamlet: Your manager here said you were the finest players in the land!
Third Player: We are! We get fined in every town we play in!

Second Player: Said the Pie Man to Simple Simon...
First Player: Show me first your penny.
Second Player: Said Simple Simon to the Pie Man...
Third Player: In truth, I haven't any.
First Player: Oh, a deadbeat!

Ophelia: It's been many days since I've seen your honor.
Hamlet: Let's keep my honor out of this.

Third Player: I think it's time I went!

Hamlet: What a couple you two make!
Gertrude: What couple? (She can't see the ghost.) There's only one of me.
Hamlet: Yeah, but you're shaped like a pear.

Captain: The King of Norway would not permit young Fortinbras to attack Denmark, so we are attacking Poland instead.
Hamlet: What for?
Captain: Young Fortinbras hopes to gain a little patch of ground, that has no worth for farming or any other value, save as an excuse for the shedding of blood.
Hamlet: I see.

Ophelia: Tell me, do you think it's all right for a girl to marry a guy who's killed her father, or is that considered a breach of social etiquette? The guy who did it is a real son of a breach. I don't think my brother is going to like this. Maybe you should do something to make it up to him, like name him as your heir. Heir today, and gone tomorrow!

Horatio: What does it say?
Sailor: Can't you read? I thought you were a great scholar at Wittenberg.
Horatio: Sure, at Wittenberg, but this is Denmark!

Gravedigger: This graveyard's getting crowded. This skull has been in the earth a long time.

Hamlet: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio. A funny little man with a derby hat and a bamboo cane. He wore a jacket that was too small and shoes that were too large. He used to walk a splayfooted walk, all the while twirling his cane. And he had a tiny little mustache which he used to twitch back and forth when he was upset. He was a funny little man. And the last time I saw him, he was a pink-faced, white-haired old man who kept patting my hand and saying, "Keep warm. Keep warm." It doesn't seem fair that the comedians should have to die, just like everyone else.

Fortinbras: Hi, this is Young "Happy To Be Back In Denmark" Fortinbras, and I gotta tell you, I thought I'd seen bloodshed in Poland, but this is ridiculous. I was going to give the Danish court a twenty-one gun salute, but it looks like someone beat me to it. You know, a funny thing happened on the way to the castle. I ran into the English Ambassador, and he told me that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. I said, "Who isn't?" But I love Elsinore, it's gotta be the only place on Earth where they built a moat to protect the people outside from the violence inside the castle. But seriously, folks, such a sight as this becomes the field, but here shows much amiss. Go bid the soldiers shoot.

The cast bids us a fond farewell.

From L-R: The director and musical accompanist (Henry William Oelkers), the author (Richard Nathan), and the star (Michael Peros) regarding who knows what after the August 19th performance. (Thanks to Fred Velez for supplying this photo.)