The Cocoanuts

EXT. BEACH MONTAGE - DAY
CLOSE SHOT: a woman's face obscured by a see-through parasol as she twirls it.
LONG SHOT of the crowded beach: palm trees; the shoreline; a lifeguard stand; a waiter brings a tray to one of the many beach-side tables; couples slow dance incongruously to uptempo MUSIC; hotel guests sit at tables beneath large umbrellas; a line of girls play leap frog on the sand; we DISSOLVE TO:
A CLOSER VIEW of leap frogging girls in their 1920s tank-top swimsuits. DISSOLVE TO:
MED. SHOT of an attractive sunbathing woman stretched out languorously in a beach chair.
DISSOLVE TO: the steps of the hotel terrace where a manly life guard scans the beach with binoculars. Two adoring life guard groupies sit on either side of him, their heads on his shoulders. Hotel guests dance in the background.
CUT TO what the life guard is presumably observing: twenty shapely girls in four rows of five each, wearing matching tank top swimsuits and doing a calisthenics routine that looks suspiciously like a dance number to the tune of Irving Berlin's "Florida By the Sea" ...
In case we are not getting enough "leg art" shoved at us, there is ANOTHER ANGLE of the girls with a second sunbather languorously stretched out in a beach chair and lighting a cigarette in the foreground as the exercising girls kick up a lot of sand. They drop to the ground as we CUT TO
A LONG SHOT of the girls doing a variety of boring leg kicks from prone positions as affluent beach bums look on indifferently. Finally, the girls rise to do some more kicking from a standing position. We CUT TO
The life guard, still scanning the beach with his binoculars, as an unseen chorus begins to sing:
UNSEEN CHORUS
(sings)
In the lovely land of Florida
Sunny Florida by the sea
All the sunshine in America
Is in Florida, you'll agree
When they're freezing up north
Sneezing up north
Always it's July the Fourth In the lovely land of Florida
Sunny Florida by the sea
Over the song, we DISSOLVE TO a couple of smiling women on the sand, one smokes a cigarette and the other just lies there and crosses her legs. For no good reason, we FADE QUICKLY OUT AND RIGHT BACK IN on another life guard who, unlike the previous one, scans the beach without binoculars, is standing up, and has only one girl clinging to him. DISSOLVE TO rich, female hotel guests wearing the latest hats and seated at a beach side table as a waiter serves them drinks. Other guests stroll or dance in the background. We catch a glimpse of some of the girls, who have apparently completed their exercise routine, running up the steps toward the hotel as the song comes to an end.
CUT TO:
A sign reads: HOTEL DE COCOANUT
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - THE STAIRS - DAY
It's the middle of the afternoon and MR. HAMMER, who runs the hotel, walks stiffly down the stairs, apparently having just awakened. We first catch sight of him, a cigar in his mouth, putting on his frock coat. He wears glasses and a black greasepaint mustache. A mob of thirteen bellboys confronts him at the landing. [NOTE: The first bellboy is a boy. The rest of the bellboys are girls, maybe the same girls who were kicking on the beach.]
BELLBOY We want to see you, Mr. Hammer!
HAMMER What's the matter? Somebody pay their bill?
BELLBOYS We want our money!
BELLBOY Yes, money.
HAMMER You want your money?
BELLBOY We wanna get paid.
HAMMER Ohhhh! You want my money. Is that fair? Do I want your money? Suppose George Washington's soldiers had asked for money. Where would this country be today?
BELLBOY But they did ask.
HAMMER And where's Washington? No, my friends, no. Money will never make you happy. And happy will never make you money. That might be a wise crack but I doubt it.
BELLBOYS We want our money!
HAMMER I'll make you all a promise. If you'll all stick with me and work hard, we'll forget about money. Let's get together. We'll make a regular hotel out of this place. I'll put writing paper in the hotel. Next year, if you behave yourselves, I'll put in envelopes. I'm gonna put extra blankets free in all your rooms -- there'll be no cover charge.
Having exchanged glances with one another during the above speech, the bellboys [or girls] seem mollified.
BELLBOYS
Hooray!
HAMMER Think! Think of the opportunities here in Florida. Three years ago, I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now, I've got a nickel in my pocket.
BELLBOY That's all very well, Mr. Hammer, but we haven't been paid in two weeks and we want our wages!
HAMMER Wages? Do you want to be wage slaves, answer me that.
BELLBOYS (unenthusiastic)
No.
HAMMER No, of course not. Well, what makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Remember, there's nothing like Liberty -- except Collier's and the Saturday Evening Post. Be free, my friends. One for all, and all for me, and me for you, and three for five and six for a quarter.
JAMISON, a young man who might well be Hammer's younger brother but who is in fact his conservatively dressed assistant, enters from the lobby and hands a telegram to Hammer.
JAMISON
Pardon me. Couple of telegrams for you, Mr. Hammer.
HAMMER (to the bellboys) There you are. Business is beginning to pick up already. Now, if you gir--boys will only be calm... (reads telegram)
Uh huh. (reads aloud) "We arrive this afternoon on the 4:30. Kindly reserve two floors and three ceilings." (aside)
Must be mice. (reads) "If we like your property, we will immediately buy it." (to the delighted bellboys)
See that? Things have started our way already.
JAMISON
Who's it from?
HAMMER (reads)
Western Union. (to the bellboys)
And they've got a lot of money, too. On the 4:15, eh? Well, I'll take the bus down myself.
JAMISON
Here's another one, Mr. Hammer.
Jamison hands a second telegram to Hammer who opens it.
HAMMER (to the bellboys)
See? We're gonna be stuffed by tonight. This hotel will be so crowded that we'll be turning away thousands of people. (reads telegram) "If there's another hotel in Cocoanut Beach, cancel our reservation." (aside)
I knew it. It was too good. The bellboys groan in disappointment.
HAMMER
Wait a minute -- (reads) "P.S. Aunt Fanny had an eight pound boy. Can you come to the wedding?" (to the bellboys)
You see? Everything is all right, boys. Everything is all right. You're all invited to the wedding of Aunt Fanny's eight pound boy.
BELLBOYS Hooray!
HAMMER However, that won't be for a couple of years yet. In the meantime, I want you to buck up. Get down to work. Let's put this thing over with a bang. And, above all, forget about money. Don't think of it. Just forget about it because you won't get it anyway.
BELLBOYS (totally brainwashed)
Hooray! Hooray! Hammer exits, talking with Jamison and followed by the one bellboy with balls. The rest of the dozen bellboys [or girls] line up in two rows ...
BELLBOYS Hooray!
... and on the third "Hooray!," the MUSIC for a song allegedly called "The Bell Hop" starts up. The girls shake hands and then march onto the stairs where they do a funky, synchronized hand jive routine. Eventually, they kick their way down the stairs, into the lobby, and, mercifully, out of the lobby. The music ends as we
CUT TO:
INT. FRONT DESK - CONTINUOUS
The desk, a concave curve, is equipped with all the usual paraphernalia including a cash register, call-bells, phones, pens, etc. Jamison, behind the desk, and Hammer, out front and leaning on it, watch the bellboys dance off.
HAMMER See that? I keep 'em dancing for their money.
JAMISON
Yeah.
HAMMER Jamison, I'm going down and meet the 4:15.
JAMISON
Yeah.
HAMMER If I never come back, you'll know I'm still waiting for the train.
JAMISON
Yes, sir.
HAMMER And, uh, in my absence, I'm relying on you to take good care of everything.
JAMISON
Well, you can depend upon me, sir.
HAMMER That's fine. If any guests come in, take good care of them.
JAMISON
Yeah.
HAMMER (offers his hand)
And think of me, Jamison.
JAMISON
(takes his hand)
You bet I will.
HAMMER I'll be back someday.
JAMISON
(puts a hand on Hammer's shoulder)
All right.
HAMMER Keep a light burning in the window.
JAMISON
Yes, sir.
HAMMER If you can find a window.
JAMISON
All right, sir.
HAMMER Good-bye, Jamison.
JAMISON
Good-bye.
Jamison watches Hammer exit.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOTEL TERRACE - DAY
The beautiful but unethical socialite PENELOPE discovers her old partner in crime, the oily but glum HARVEY YATES, sitting at a table.
PENELOPE
Hello, Harvey. Why so downhearted? Is Bob Adams cutting you out of Polly Potter?
HARVEY YATES
I'm not worried about a hotel clerk.
PENELOPE
No, but I'll bet you're worried about the Potter millions. You generally could use money in the old days.
HARVEY YATES
Lay off that stuff.
PENELOPE
You know, marrying Polly is the only way for you to square your debts.
HARVEY YATES
I can take care of myself.
PENELOPE
I doubt it. (sits with him)
Suppose I have a little plan that'll take care of both of us?
HARVEY YATES
What do you mean?
The CAMERA clumsily DOLLIES IN for a TWO-SHOT.
PENELOPE
Have you ever seen that diamond necklace of Mrs. Potter's?
HARVEY YATES
You bet I have. What's that got to do with us?
Harvey lights Penelope's cigarette.
PENELOPE
Her room and my room are right next to each other. Hers is 318. Mine, 320. The door between is unlocked.
HARVEY YATES
Well?
PENELOPE
She keeps everything in a jewel case locked up in her dresser. The key is always in her bag. That's what you've got to get.
HARVEY YATES
It's a large order. But maybe it can be done. Suppose I invite Mrs. Potter and Polly to take supper with me tonight. PENELOPE
What then?
HARVEY YATES
Sometime during the evening, I might be able to get the key out of her bag.
PENELOPE
Now you're talking. That sounds more like old times. And I'll try to get rid of Bob Adams for you.
CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH - DAY
Lovers BOB ADAMS and POLLY POTTER sit out by the hotel. Bob, an old guy with greasy black hair, is supposed to be a sympathetic young guy who works as a clerk at the hotel. He sits with a map in his lap as Polly, a cute young blonde looks on. They sit there in silence for a long, long moment waiting patiently for the MUSIC to start. Guests are visible in the background dancing to the silence. Finally, the MUSIC starts. And the two lovers magically come to life. The tune is Irving Berlin's "When My Dreams Come True." Bob grins and points to the map.
BOB ADAMS
Now, this is Cocoanut Manor. You know that hill?
POLLY POTTER
What a question! Do I know that cunning little hill?
BOB ADAMS
It's cunning all right. But that's why there hasn't been any development here.
POLLY POTTER
Couldn't it be cut down?
BOB ADAMS
Too expensive. Now, here's what happened. John W. Berryman was here to see it last month. You know, Berryman practically built Palm Beach and Miami. But he said he wouldn't touch this. Now, when a man like that passes a place up, no one wants it. You know anything about architecture?
POLLY POTTER
No. But I'd love to learn.
BOB ADAMS
Well, I made a drawing of the whole place showing that hill as a built-up scheme without cutting down the hill or having it get in the way. I, uh, I made the hill fit in with the architectural scheme. I sent Berryman a copy last-last week and his secretary wrote me a nice note saying they were studying my plans.
POLLY POTTER
That's thrilling. Does Mr. Hammer know about it?
BOB ADAMS
Not yet. But if he takes it, I'll design the buildings. Ha ha! Say, I may be an architect yet.
POLLY POTTER
Oh, if he only does! I'm sure it will be the most beautiful place in the world.
BOB ADAMS
It will be ... if you live there. Look. See what I've written? "Heaven ... for Polly and me."
POLLY POTTER
That looks great. When do I move in?
BOB ADAMS
Any day now.
POLLY POTTER
It's a lovely dream, Bob. Let's make it come true.
Bob sings a chorus of "When My Dreams Come True":
BOB ADAMS
(sings)
The skies will all be blue
When my dreams come true
And I'll be smiling through
When my dreams come true
That Spanish castle I built in my mind
Will be a love nest, the practical kind
And I'll be there with you
When my dreams come true
Then Bob and Polly sing the verse:
BOB ADAMS
(sings)
Ever since I met you All that I seem to do is dream POLLY POTTER
(sings)
Wonderful dreams
BOB ADAMS
(sings)
Heaven's before my eyes
When will I realize my dreams
POLLY POTTER
(sings)
Wonderful dreams
Now, Polly sings the chorus:
POLLY POTTER
(sings)
The skies will all be blue
When my dreams come true
And I'll be smiling through
When my dreams come true
That Spanish castle I build in my mind
Will be a love nest, the practical kind
And I'll be there with you
POLLY AND BOB
(singing together)
When my dreams come true
Bob covers his and Polly's face with a small parasol as the song ends and they kiss. While still behind the parasol, our villains, Harvey Yates and Penelope, enter and stand over the two lovers.
HARVEY YATES
Will you look at that?
PENELOPE
I am looking.
HARVEY YATES
Well, it's darn cute. (ironic)
I wonder who it can be.
PENELOPE
Let's find out.
Bob, realizing he's been caught, pretends to be telling Polly a story.
BOB ADAMS
Then Little Red Riding Hood said to the wolf: Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
PENELOPE
(to Bob and Polly)
Hello.
BOB ADAMS
Oh, hello.
PENELOPE
How do you do, Miss Potter?
POLLY POTTER
Hello.
Bob rises and stands with Harvey Yates and Penelope.
HARVEY YATES
Your mother is looking for you, Polly.
POLLY POTTER
She generally is. And she generally finds me. You know Mother. Thanks a lot.
(rises, to Bob)
It was a lovely story, Mr. Adams. I'd like to hear the rest of it sometime. Good-bye.
Bob mouths a good-bye and Polly exits.
PENELOPE
I wonder if I could hear it sometime.
BOB ADAMS
With pleasure. How 'bout you, Yates?
HARVEY YATES
No, thanks. You know what happens to bad little boys who tell stories.
BOB ADAMS
Certainly. They marry the beautiful princess. So long.
(sings as he exits into hotel)
And I'll be there with you
When my dreams come true
Harvey Yates and Penelope stand like statues as Bob makes his musical exit. They wait patiently for the MUSIC to end and, when it finally does, they spring to life.
PENELOPE
Nice boy. The kind who usually gets what he wants.
HARVEY YATES
Not always. I might win out yet.
PENELOPE
Well ... miracles do happen.
Harvey Yates gives Penelope a dirty look and she smiles at him.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Polly enters and meets her mother, MRS. POTTER, a large, rich widow. They make their way across the lobby to the elevator during the following exchange:
MRS. POTTER Well, Polly, you've been out again with Mr. Adams.
POLLY POTTER
But only for a little while, Mother.
MRS. POTTER Why a daughter of mine should fool around with a hotel clerk when she has the opportunity of marrying one of the Boston Yates is more than I can understand.
POLLY POTTER
Oh, who cares about the Boston Yates? Anyway, Bob isn't a clerk. He's an architect. He's only clerking until he can get started.
MRS. POTTER One who clerks, Polly, is a clerk -- and that settles it. And I want you to remember that no Potter has ever been involved in a single scandal.
POLLY POTTER
How about Uncle Dick?
MRS. POTTER Polly, it's a well-known fact that your uncle was drunk at the time.
They disappear into the elevator.
MRS. POTTER'S VOICE And another thing, young lady, I'm quite tired of your sitting out on the beach at all hours ...
The elevator door closes.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - LATER
Jamison is asleep at the front desk. Hammer enters and shakes him awake.
HAMMER Hey! Hey! Why don't you take something for that insomnia? You ought to cut out drinking so much coffee.
JAMISON
I'm sorry, sir. Say, any luck with the 4:30?
HAMMER Yes, it didn't hit me. That's the only luck I had with it.
JAMISON
Mr. Hammer, I think I know what's wrong with the hotel.
HAMMER I think I know, too. You're fired. Get your hat and my coat and get out.
JAMISON
Maybe the season hasn't started yet.
HAMMER Maybe the hotel isn't opened yet.
JAMISON
Don't worry, Mr. Hammer. In a few weeks, you'll be cleaning up.
HAMMER Yes, and making the beds. Go on, get out of here. I can handle this rush myself. Six hundred rooms in the hotel and you have to sleep here.
Jamison exits. Mrs. Potter enters so abruptly that ... MRS. POTTER How do you do, Mr. Hammer?
... she startles Hammer, who reacts.
HAMMER Why don't you whistle at the crossing? You're just the woman I'm looking for and now, whether you like it or not, I'm gonna tell you about Florida real estate. It's the first time it's ever been mentioned down here today.
MRS. POTTER I'm sorry but I'm not--
HAMMER (interrupts) Uh uh. You know that property values have increased nineteen twenty-nine since one thousand per cent? Do you know that this is the biggest development since Sophie Tucker? Do you know that Florida is the show spot of America and Cocoanut Beach is the black spot of Florida?
MRS. POTTER You told me about this yesterday.
HAMMER (takes a map from his pocket)
I know, but I left out a comma. Look, in a little while, we're gonna hold an auction sale at Cocoanut Manor, the suburb terrible, uh, beautiful. You must come over. There's gonna be entertainment, sandwiches, and the auction. If you don't like auction, we can play, uh, contract. Here it is, Cocoanut Manor -- forty-two hours from Times Square by railroad. Sixteen hundred miles as the crow flies, eighteen hundred as the horseflies. There you are, Cocoanut Manor -- glorifying the American sewer and the Florida sucker. Why, it's the most exclusive residential district in Florida -- nobody lives there. And the climate! Ask me about the climate, I dare ya.
MRS. POTTER Very well. How is--?
HAMMER (interrupts) I'm glad you brought it up. Our motto is "Cocoanut Beach -- no snow, no ice and no business." Do you know that Florida's the greatest state in the Union?
MRS. POTTER Is it?
HAMMER (puts the map away)
Take its climate. No, we took that. Take its fruit. Take the alligator pear. Take all the alligator pears and keep 'em, see if I care. Do you know how alligator pears are made?
MRS. POTTER Haven't the slightest idea.
HAMMER There you are. That's because you've never been an alligator. And don't let it happen again. Do you know that it sometimes requires years to bring the pear and the alligator together? They don't like each other.
MRS. POTTER No?
HAMMER Nooo. Do you know how many alligator pears are sent out of this state every year and told not to come back?
MRS. POTTER I don't think I do.
HAMMER All they can get a hold of! Florida feeds the nation but nobody feeds me and that's what I want to talk to you about.
MRS. POTTER Mr. Hammer--
HAMMER Another thing, take our cattle-raising. Oh, uh, I don't mean anything personal but here is the ideal cattle-raising section. We have long-
horns, shorthorns, and shoe horns.
MRS. POTTER Mr. Hammer, will you let me say something, please?
HAMMER I hardly think so. And there's something else I want to bring to your mind. Where will you be when you're sixty-five? That's only about three months from now.
MRS. POTTER If I were to buy, I should prefer some place like Palm Beach.
HAMMER Palm Beach? The Atlantic City of yesterday? The slums of tomorrow? Do you know that the population of Cocoanut Beach has doubled in the past week? MRS. POTTER Has it?
HAMMER Three bulldogs were born. We're expecting a nanny goat in the morning.
MRS. POTTER I'm sorry but I'm afraid I must be going.
HAMMER Ah now, don't go. Before you go, let me show you a sample of our sewer pipe we're gonna lay. (takes pipe from pocket)
Look at it. Nobody can fool you on a sewer pipe, can they? A woman like you? Now, this is the eight inch pipe but, of course, all property owners will be allowed to vote on the size of the pipe. In case of a tie, it goes to the Supreme Court. (lowers his voice) And I can give you a little inside information in advance. The Chief Justice is crazy about this type sewer. Here, put it in your pocket. I'll see ya later.
Hammer hands the pipe to Mrs. Potter and rapidly exits.
MRS. POTTER Mr. Hammer! I can't use this! I don't want it!
Mrs. Potter follows him out, carrying the sewer pipe. A moment later, Hammer appears behind the front desk, checking to make sure Mrs. Potter has really gone. The phone rings and Hammer answers.
HAMMER (into phone)
Hello? Yes? Ice water in three-eighteen? Is that so? Where'd you get it? Oh, you want some? Oh, that's different. Have you got any ice? No, I haven't. This is Cocoanut Beach -- no snow, no ice. Get some onions, that'll make your eyes water. What? You, too!
Hammer hangs up. Jamison enters.
JAMISON
Oh, Mr. Hammer, Mrs. Thompson wants to know if you'd reserve a table for dinner for her in a nice quiet spot.
HAMMER A nice quiet spot?
JAMISON
Yeah.
HAMMER Tell her she can eat in the lobby. Say, we ought to dress this place up a bit. It looks terrible. (rings bell) Front! Nothing happens.
HAMMER (rings bell) Front! Still nothing.
HAMMER (rings bell) Front! (as if calling a dog) Here, Front! Here, Front! (on hands and knees, snapping fingers)
Here, Front, Front, Front, Front, Front, Front, Front! (rises)
Jamison, what's become of our front? Are we all out of fronts?
JAMISON
Haven't seen 'em.
HAMMER I'm gonna fire some of those people. Give me the fire bell. The lone male bellboy finally arrives, stands at attention and salutes.
HAMMER Hey, why don't you stick around here? Listen, if anybody comes in that looks like a customer, tie 'em up and brand 'em. Now, exit.
BELLBOY
Yes, sir.
The bellboy salutes and walks off.
HAMMER (to Jamison, off the bellboy)
Look at him. He's dressed better than I am.
We follow the bellboy across the LOBBY. As he exits, a woman enters, unaware that she is followed closely by two immigrant men: SILENT RED, a mute Irishman wearing a top hat and trenchcoat who carries a walking stick with a horn for a handle, HONKING loudly as he walks, and an Italian who may very well be known as WILLIE THE WOP in some quarters but for the sake of politeness we'll call him CHICO. Grinning lustfully, Red tips his hat to the woman who studiously ignores him and sits down in a lobby seat to inspect her purse. Red playfully sits right down next to her, whistles, and fingers her purse. Chico, walking past them, merely grins and beckons Red to follow him.
CHICO
(to Red)
Hey, c'mon, c'mon.
The woman rises and walks away from Red who follows, HONKING and grinning. A second woman, going in the opposite direction, walks past and Red tips his hat to her, does an "about face," and trails behind her, letting the first woman exit. Chico grabs at Red's arm to stop him.
CHICO
Hey, come here, come here. Come here!
A third woman enters the lobby and Red takes off after her, hand outstretched, HONKING away merrily. Hammer and Jamison approach Chico and Red. All four men offer their hands to shake.
HAMMER Ah, gentlemen! Customers?
CHICO
Ah, how do you do?
The four of them, hands outstretched, walk right past each other without shaking hands, turn, and circle around -- Red and Chico walking up and over a lobby seat as they do. HAMMER What are you boys giving me, the run-around here? Come over here.
If you didn't know better, you might imagine they were all somehow related to one another, perhaps brothers. The four face off with Hammer and Jamison on one side and Red and Chico on the other. Hammer slaps Red's hand and Red slaps Hammer's face, knocking him back into Jamison's arms. Red wields his horn-cane as a weapon. Jamison and Chico restrain the other two, breaking up the fight.
HAMMER Now, what do you want? What do you want? Explain your business.
CHICO
We send you a telegram.
HAMMER (suddenly very friendly)
Ohhhh! You're the boys that sent the telegram!
Hammer and Chico shake hands.
CHICO
Ha ha ha! How do you do?
HAMMER That's a coincidence. I used to send telegrams myself. How are you? (to Red)
And how are you?
Hammer shakes Red's hand but Red substitutes his horn so that when Hammer squeezes, we hear a loud HONK! Hammer and Jamison run away in fear. Jamison exits and Hammer ducks under the front desk. Chico follows Hammer to the desk.
CHICO
(reassuringly, to Hammer)
That's all right! Don't worry! Hey!
Meanwhile, Red takes a seat next to the bellboy who stands at attention. Red reaches over, plucks a button from the bellboy's uniform, wipes it on his own trousers -- and eats it. Red registers that it tastes good so he plucks another -- and eats it. Chico watches as Red, rising, wipes his mouth on the bellboy's tie, sits again, and props his leg up in the bellboy's hand.
HAMMER (behind the desk, to Chico)
Hey, you can stay but you'll have to take that groundhog out of here. Now, what do you want? Explain your business.
During the following exchange, Hammer briefly joins them in front of the desk and Red takes his leg back from the bellboy.
CHICO
Well, we make a reservaysh.
HAMMER Reservaysh?
CHICO
Yes, we want a room and no bath.
HAMMER Oh, I see. You're just here for the winter. Well, step this way and I'll see what I can do for you.
Hammer gets behind the desk, Chico in front, Red in his seat next to the bellboy.
CHICO
All right, we stay for the summer, too.
HAMMER I'm sorry, boys, but we haven't got any vacancies.
CHICO
(to Red)
He's got-a no vacancies.
HAMMER We got plenty of rooms.
CHICO
That's all right, we take a room. (to Red)
You want a room?
Red shakes his head: HONK HONK!
HAMMER All right?
CHICO
All right, we take a vacancy.
HAMMER (to the bellboy)
Boy! Uh, take the gentlemen's baggage.
The bellboy picks up a suitcase next to Red and starts off with it. Red and Chico jump him and wrestle to get the suitcase back. In the process, they knock the bellboy down and accidentally open the suitcase -- which is empty. Hammer rings the bell on his desk to indicate that the wrestling match is over.
HAMMER (to Chico)
Hey, heyyyy! Do y'--Do you know that suitcase is empty?
CHICO
That's all right. We fill it up before we leave.
HAMMER Oh, you will, eh? Well, you'll empty it before I go out. Now, step this way, boys, and, uh... (off the hotel register)
... just put your monicker on there and everything'll be A.K.
Red grabs three pens and starts throwing them at the wall in a spontaneous game of darts. Chico and Hammer talk over one another:
CHICO
(to Hammer)
Look what he do. 'At's-a-baby! [?] Never misses!
[?]
HAMMER (to Red)
Don't do-- Don't do that.
Hammer, after protesting a moment, jumps right into the spirit of the game by playing the carnival pitchman:
HAMMER (to an imaginary crowd)
Step right this way, boys! Two shots for five-- (rings the bell)
And the boy wins a gold cigar! Hammer offers Red a box of cigars. Red takes a cigar and puts it in his mouth.
HAMMER Anybody else? Step right up this way!
Red picks up the desk telephone and prepares to throw it at the wall.
HAMMER (to Red, who freezes in mid-throw)
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't throw that. That's only for long distances.
Red puts the phone back on the desk.
CHICO
(to Red)
All right, all right. Come on, [?]
HAMMER Now, then, what do you want? Would you like a suite on the third floor?
Sounds like he says "a Swede on the third floor."
CHICO
No, I'll take a Polock in the basement.
HAMMER Well, you'll have to take that up with the commissary department. That's an entirely different proposition and I can--
During the above exchange, Red has hopped up on one end of the desk and begun removing the hotel guests' mail from its boxes and tearing it to shreds. Hammer notices and joins him, pulling more mail out and handing the letters to Red who happily rips them up, too.
HAMMER Here you are. Er, let me help you here. I, uh, I-I'm sorry - I'm sorry the afternoon mail isn't in yet. Say, I could use you the first of the month.
A delivery boy enters.
DELIVERY BOY
Telegram for Mr. Hammer.
HAMMER Telegram? Red takes the telegram, rips it up, hands it to Chico who pockets it. The delivery boy exits.
HAMMER (calling after the delivery boy)
Just tell 'em I'll send them the money in the morning. (to Chico)
Now, then, what do you want? What do you want, a single room?
CHICO
We'd like to double up.
HAMMER Well, eat some green apples.
The phone rings.
CHICO
Ha ha! HAMMER Just a moment.
CHICO
A joke!
Red hands Hammer the phone, one of those old pedestal phones. Actually, Red gives Hammer the pedestal and a rubber stamp. Hammer puts the handle of the stamp to his ear and speaks into the phone while Red puts the phone's earpiece to his own ear.
HAMMER (into the phone)
What's that? You'll have to talk louder, I can't hear ya. Red, grinning, earpiece to his ear, takes a pen (or is it a letter opener?) from the desk, hurls it downward so that it sticks up from the floor and rests his foot on it.
HAMMER (into the phone)
If you'll take your nose out of the receiver, it'll be okay. I-- Hammer finally realizes that Red has the earpiece and takes it from him. Red promptly puts the rubber stamp to his own ear.
HAMMER (to Red)
Funny fellow, you. (into the phone)
Hello? What's that? You want to know where you can get a hold of Mrs. Potter? I don't know, she's awfully ticklish.
Red sticks a pen into a sponge like a fork and starts to eat the sponge. Hammer hangs up and addresses Red and Chico.
HAMMER Now, uh, I'm in a position, gentlemen, where--
Hammer watches Red eating the sponge.
CHICO
(explains to Hammer)
He's hungry.
Hammer and Chico watch as Red takes a brush from a glue-pot, seasons the sponge with glue and takes a bite. He then washes it down with some ink from an inkwell. Hammer, grabbing a nearby vase, offers it to Red.
HAMMER Here, have one of these flowers. They're buckwheat.
Red fingers the flowers choosily.
HAMMER Pick out a nice one, now. I don't want you to get any of the worst of this. Red finally selects one and starts to eat it.
HAMMER There you are. I'm so glad. (to Chico)
Now, uh, you boys will pardon me for a few moments. I have some very important business to attend to. As a matter of fact, I'm going upstairs and get your partner a stomach pump.
CHICO
He needs it.
HAMMER And I'll be down in a few minutes. And while I'm gone, don't forget -- register!
Hammer exits.
CHICO
(to Red)
Hey! Don't forget! Register!
Red immediately climbs over the desk and goes to the cash register. Chico merely walks around to the other side of the desk. Red hits the "No Sale" key: with a KA-CHING sound the register drawer pops open. Red removes a wad of cash from the drawer, shows it to Chico, and then pockets it.
CHICO
That's all right.
Red taps the keys of the register, then hits the "No Sale" key. The drawer pops open with a KA-CHING and he closes it with his belly. He does this repeatedly in rhythm while whistling the "Anvil Chorus." Chico joins him, honking Red's horn, ringing a call-bell that he's carried over from the front desk and singing wordlessly along. They stop after a few bars as the phone rings. Chico answers.
CHICO
(into the phone)
Hello? Hello? No, we no gotta no rooms. We gotta nothing. We gotta no customers. We got nothing. All right. All right, I send you up something. All right, goodbye.
During the above, Red has been using the rubber stamp to stamp everything on the front desk. He stamps a call-bell and it rings, summoning one of the bellboys [actually, a girl]. She runs in and stands at attention, saluting Red.
BELLBOY #1
Did you ring, sir?
Red rings the bell again. Chico, not paying attention, turns away but Red grabs him by the arm. Another girl runs in. BELLBOY #2
Did you ring, sir?
Chico and Red realize they're on to a good thing. Red rings again. Another girl!
BELLBOY #3
Did you ring, sir?
Red and Chico bang away at the bells. Eight girls have run in, lined up, and stood at attention before them. Red and Chico move out slowly from behind the desk toward the girls who panic and run off in all directions, exiting out doors and up the stairs. Red and Chico give chase. Red runs part of the way up the stairs but Chico calls him back.
CHICO
[?] Come here! Come here! Get away from there! Come on! Hurry up!
Red waves good-bye to the unseen girls. Harvey Yates and Penelope enter the lobby, talking. Chico shushes Red and the two men quietly approach the couple and listen in on their conversation.
HARVEY YATES
All right, then. But let's be careful.
PENELOPE
I will.
HARVEY YATES
Tell me, how is it that the door between your room and Mrs. Potter's is open?
PENELOPE
Well, you see, I told her that I trusted her.
HARVEY YATES
You trusted her?
Yates and Penelope laugh hard at this. Red, putting his arms around them both, laughs noiselessly along with them. Startled, Yates and Penelope pause to stare at Red. Red puts his leg into Yates' hand. Yates pushes Red's leg away. Red makes a move to slap Yates but restrains himself as if it weren't worth the trouble. Red turns to Penelope who stands beside him, her walking stick in hand. He puts his hand just above hers on her walking stick. Penelope stares at their two hands clutching the stick, then possessively puts her other hand above his, turning her head haughtily. Red puts his other hand above hers. Annoyed, she responds in kind. They work their way up the stick until, outraged, she slaps his hands away.
Yates grabs Red by the shoulder and spins him around to face him. Making a face, Red grabs Yates' forearm and puts his knee up to it, threatening to break it in half. Now, Chico grabs Yates by the shoulder and spins him around to face him. Before Chico can do anything, Red grabs him by the shoulder and spins him around to face him. Before Red can do anything, Chico grabs Yates by the shoulder and spins him around to face him. Again, Red grabs Yates by the shoulder and spins him around to face him -- then clinches him and starts dancing with him. Penelope puts a hand on Red's shoulder.
PENELOPE
(to Red)
Hey! Stop that!
Simultaneously, Red grabs Penelope and Chico grabs Yates and they all start dancing.
CHICO
Come on, we dance! PENELOPE
Really!
CHICO
Ha ha!
The dance ends abruptly.
HARVEY YATES
Come, Penelope. Penelope joins Yates who glares disdainfully at Red.
HARVEY YATES
Let's get away from this ... bum.
Penelope and Yates move off as Hammer wanders in quietly in the background. Chico watches Penelope and Yates walk away, then turns to Red who silently mouths the word "Bum" several times -- in rhythm. As Hammer joins them, Chico picks up the rhythm:
CHICO
Bum. Bum bum bum. Rrrum bum bum. Rrrum bum bum ...
Pretending to play a flute, Red whistles a patriotic tune as Chico mimes a drummer. Hammer, also playing an imaginary flute, throws a handkerchief over his brow like a bandage. And the three march off in imitation the legendary "Spirit of '76" fife and drum corps of the American Revolutionary War.
We PAN OVER TO Penelope and Yates, standing by the elevator, watching with distaste as the three men exit.
HARVEY YATES
I could kill those tramps.
PENELOPE
Wait a minute. Don't kill them yet. I've got an idea.
HARVEY YATES
About them?
PENELOPE
Mm hmm. Listen. When the necklace is found missing, someone's got to be blamed. Why not them?
HARVEY YATES
Gee, that's not bad. But have you got anything definite?
PENELOPE
Suppose I flirt with them -- and they come to my room. Then what? I'll complain to the management. Then, on the night the necklace disappears, they were seen near Mrs. Potter's. Get it?
HARVEY YATES
You bet I get it. That's a grand idea.
PENELOPE
(with a curtsy)
Thanks, kind sir. Well, I've got to run along now. See you later.
HARVEY YATES
Goodbye.
Penelope exits as Yates rings for the elevator.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - FRONT DESK - HOURS LATER
Red enters carrying what may be a salt shaker and approaches the desk. Placing shaker on desktop, he looks behind the desk and around the lobby to see that the place is deserted. He whistles, honks his horn, and rings the call-bell for attention but no one appears. Looking at the stadium telephone on the desk, he picks it up, puts the mouthpiece to his ear and listens. Hearing nothing, he sniffs it and then takes a bite out of it. He chews a mouthful of the mouthpiece, hooks a thumb in his belt, and leans happily against the desk. He takes another bite, smiles, sees the nearby inkwell, picks it up, swirls it around a bit and drinks a couple of mouthfuls of ink. Resuming his pose leaning against the desk, he manages a couple of quiet, Chaplinesque belches and gives the phone an odd look. Chico enters and confronts him.
CHICO
Hey, hey! What do you do, huh? Red puts the phone down on desk and stands with Chico.
CHICO
All the time you eat. That's a no good. We got to get-a money. Right now, I'd do anything for money. I'd kill somebody for money. I'd kill you for money. Red looks slightly worried.
CHICO
Ha ha ha! Ah, no, you're my friend -- I kill you for nothing. Red smiles.
CHICO
Well, why do you laugh, huh? Red sobers up.
CHICO
You're in the hotel for three hours, you no gotta something yet. Red reaches into his coat pocket.
CHICO
Whaddya got? Red pulls out a pocket watch and chain, holds it up to Chico, who takes it.
CHICO
A Ingersoll watch. That's-a fine. Ha ha! That's-a fine. Red reaches to take the watch back.
CHICO
That's all-a you steal?
An extremely tall law enforcement officer, possibly the entire Cocoanut Beach police force, has entered the lobby: plainclothesman HENNESSY stands imposingly nearby and stares at Chico and Red. He approaches them.
Hennessy moves between the two men, towering over them as they try to walk slowly away. He keeps in step with them as they move first one way and then the other. Red whistles a tune as the three men maneuver. Hennessy pauses as Red and Chico keep moving toward the elevators.
HENNESSY
(commandingly)
Hey.
Immediately, Red and Chico reverse course and slowly approach Hennessy. As Red reaches the last note of his tune, he hands Hennessy his leg, much to Chico's amusement. Annoyed, Hennessy pushes Red's leg away then slowly opens his jacket to reveal his badge, pinned to the inside. Red responds by slowly opening his own coat to reveal a liquor bottle pinned in the same place. Chico laughs quietly at this, too.
HENNESSY
(menacing, to Chico)
I think I know your face.
CHICO
I give up. Whose is it?
HENNESSY
I'll tell ya in a minute. I brought some pictures from headquarters. Hennessy pulls a wad of photos from his pocket and studies them.
HENNESSY
(to Red)
Let me see your face.
Red makes a Gookie face -- eyes crossed, cheeks puffed out, etc.
HENNESSY
(to Chico)
Yours, too.
Red grabs Chico's cheek and pulls on it.
CHICO
(annoyed, to Red)
All right, all right. I make my own face.
Upset, Red pushes Chico. Chico pushes back.
CHICO
'At's-a matter you push, huh? No pushing. They push each other.
CHICO
A roomble-a fight! You wanna fight? Come on! Come on! Start. Come on!
The two men square off like two kids imitating prizefighters. Chico starts to swing, Red kicks him in the pants, Chico swings and misses.
CHICO
Hey! Call your shots. Come on. Again, Chico starts to swing, Red kicks him in the pants, Chico swings and misses.
CHICO
Hey, 'at's-a matter you no fight upstairs?! Come on!
Hennessy grabs Red by the collar and steps between the two men.
HENNESSY
Hey! What are you guys fighting for?
CHICO
We no fight. That's-a my friend. We play this way.
HENNESSY
(turns to Red)
What are you doin' around here?
Red leans into Hennessy and the horn on his belt HONKS. Hennessy pushes him away. HENNESSY
What's your name?
Again, Red leans into Hennessy and, again, the horn on his belt HONKS.
HENNESSY
(turns to Chico)
I'm pretty suspicious of you birds. Using his teeth, Red pulls Hennessy's handkerchief from his breast pocket and quietly pockets it.
HENNESSY
Now, you listen to me. I haven't got anything on you yet. Hennessy turns to Red who stares up at him with a serious expression.
HENNESSY
But I'm going to keep watching. (Red nods)
I've got your full records right here in m' pocket. Hennessy starts to walk off.
HENNESSY
There's enough to send you up the minute you start anything. You get me?
On this last sentence, Hennessy tugs at his lapels ominously. Red and Chico watch him exit. Chico turns to Red.
CHICO
Wise guy. Wise-a guy, eh? Gotta start a fight when the detective come around. You can't wait a little bit. Huh? Red reaches into his own coat pocket.
CHICO
Whaddya got? Smiling, Red pulls out a badge and pins it to his lapel.
CHICO
(delighted)
A badge. Ha ha ha! 'At's-a fine! He's a no more detective. You detective!
We PAN OVER TO the elevator where a bellhop carrying luggage and a male and female guest emerge. The male guest is putting on his overcoat.
MALE GUEST
(to female guest)
Hurry along, my dear, get right in the cab. We've only a few minutes to get the train. Female guest and bellhop exit as the male guest approaches Chico -- and Red pretends to help him on with his coat.
MALE GUEST
Pardon, can you tell me what time is the next train to Philadelphia?
CHICO
Uh, train? Once a week. Sometimes twice a day.
HUSBAND
Thank you.
CHICO
That's all right.
The male guest exits. During the above exchange, Red has yanked the guest's suit jacket out from under the rear of his overcoat. Red helps Chico into the stolen jacket which is a little too small.
CHICO
That's-a fine. A little tight. Needs something taken out.
Red reaches in and takes out a big fat wallet. He smiles at Chico, waves and walks off.
CHICO
All right, keep it. That's just what I need, coat like this. That's-a fine, eh? Do-a good.
During above, we PAN OVER TO elevator where Red hands his leg to the elevator operator. The two get in the elevator. The doors close and we PAN BACK TO Chico wearing his new ill-fitting jacket. He stands in front of the desk, admiring it. Penelope enters and seductively approaches him.
PENELOPE
Hello.
CHICO
How do you do?
PENELOPE
That's a good looking coat you have on.
CHICO
You like it, huh?
PENELOPE
Yes. Do you know you look like the Prince of Wales? CHICO
Better.
PENELOPE
Where'd you get that coat?
CHICO
(defensive) That's-a my coat!
PENELOPE
That's your coat?
CHICO
(insistent) That's-a my coat!
PENELOPE
But it doesn't fit you.
CHICO
I know. I had it made to order.
PENELOPE
Tell me, what are you doing tonight?
CHICO
Maybe you got a good idea, eh?
PENELOPE
Well, don't you dare come to room three-twenty at eleven o'clock.
CHICO
All right, I come half past ten.
Chico smiles and exits.
The elevator door opens and Red emerges playing a snatch of "When My Dreams Come True" on a clarinet. The elevator operator watches him with amusement. Penelope approaches Red, seductively drops her handkerchief right on his foot, then turns away. As Red hits the last note, he glances down at the handkerchief. He then raises his foot, takes the handkerchief and stuffs it in his pocket. Penelope turns back to Red, sees him putting the handkerchief in his pocket.
PENELOPE
Did you see a handkerchief?
Red shakes his head.
PENELOPE
I thought I dropped one.
Red raises his eyebrows and opens his mouth in mock surprise.
PENELOPE
Well, it really doesn't matter ...
Red shakes his head as if to say, "No?"
PENELOPE
... because what I'm really interested in is you.
Red smiles happily and hands her his leg. She politely drops it.
PENELOPE
Did anyone ever tell you that you look like the Prince of Wales?
Grinning, Red nods.
PENELOPE
That's funny. I thought it was an original idea of mine.
Red shakes his head haughtily as if to say, "Oh, no, not at all."
PENELOPE
Tell me, do you know who I am?
Red shakes his head.
PENELOPE
You know my room number?
Red nods. She puts her arm around his shoulders.
PENELOPE
Well, I'll be there at eleven o'clock tonight.
Red snags a handkerchief from her bosom with his teeth as she turns and walks away from him. He pockets this second handkerchief as she fetches her purse and gloves from the front desk. Red follows her and leans against the desk, smiling. She smiles back and swaggers to the elevator with a hand on her hip. Red follows, mimicking her walk. As she enters the elevator, the door closes suddenly, causing Red to bang face first into the door -- the horn on his belt HONKS. He turns slowly, with his back to the elevator, and plays a dreamy half-chorus of "When My Dreams Come True" on his clarinet (with an offscreen guitar accompaniment). As the song ends, he hits a wrong note, the door abruptly opens and he topples backward into the elevator.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - LATER
With all the speed of an Arctic glacier stuck in molasses, Hammer and Mrs. Potter enter arm in arm. They pause in front of a lobby couch and let go of one another.
HAMMER
Did anyone ever tell you you look like the Prince of Wales? I don't mean the present Prince of Wales; one of the old Wales. And, believe me, when I say Wales, I mean whales. I know a whale when I see one. Did you say your room was three-eighteen? You know, I'm the proprietor of this hotel and I have a passkey to every room in it. MRS. POTTER Passkey? HAMMER Passkey -- that's Russian for "pass" ... You know, they passki down the streetski. (gestures to the couch)
Won't you, uh, lie down?
Mrs. Potter moves to the couch but Hammer seats himself first and she winds up sitting on him. He slides out of her way. They sit together.
HAMMER Ah, if we could find a little bungalow, eh? Oh, of course, I know we could find one but, uh, maybe the people wouldn't get out. But if we could find a nice little empty bungalow just for me and you where we could bill and cow -- no -- where we could bull and cow. MRS. POTTER Do you know what you're trying to say? HAMMER Yes, it's not what I'm thinking of. What I meant was, if-if we had a nice little bungalow and, uh, you was inside and I was outside trying to get in or inside trying to get out. Oh no, I was in-- you was ups-- uh, you were inside out and I was ups-- Ehhh. Up. No. If-- Uh, I'll tell you, if you don't hear from me by next Friday, the whole thing's off.
MRS. POTTER I don't think I understand. HAMMER I mean, your eyes, your eyes! They shine like the pants of a blue serge suit. MRS. POTTER What? HAMMER Oh, that's not a--
MRS. POTTER That's an insult. HAMMER That's not a reflection on you -- that's on the pants. What I meant was, uh, if we had a nice bungalow and I came home from work and you were standing by the gate -- no -- uh, you came home from work and I was standing by the gate -- that's more like it. And, uh, we came down the path and we went inside and the shades were drawn and the lights were low, and, uh, then, uh... (beat)
Are you sure your husband's dead? MRS. POTTER Why, yes. HAMMER There seems to be a trace of uncertainty in that "yes." You know, uh, a "yes" like that was once responsible for me jumping out of a window. And I'm not the jumper I used to be. What I meant was, uh, you're gonna to be here all winter and I'm stuck with the hotel anyhow... Why don't you grab me until you can make other arrangements? MRS. POTTER My dear Mr. Hammer, I shall never get married before my daughter. HAMMER You did once. Hammer throws his arms around her.
HAMMER Oh, but I love you, I love you! Can't you see how I'm pining for you?
MRS. POTTER
(pushing his arms away)
What in the world is the matter with you? HAMMER Oh, I-I'm not myself tonight. (aside)
I don't know who I am. (to Mrs. Potter)
One false move and I'm yours. I love you. I love you anyhow. MRS. POTTER I don't think you'd love me if I were poor. HAMMER I might, but I'd keep my mouth shut. MRS. POTTER (rises)
I'll not stay here any longer and be insulted this way! HAMMER (half-rises, takes her hand)
Aw, don't go away and leave me here alone. You stay here and I'll go away. MRS. POTTER I don't know what to say. HAMMER (rises, puts arms around her,
she struggles heroically)
Well, say, that you'll be truly mine, or truly yours, or yours truly. Can't you know what I'm--
MRS. POTTER (pushes him away)
Will you keep your hands to yourself?! HAMMER (strikes a wrestling pose)
Come on, I'll play you one more game. Come on, the three of ya!
Mrs. Potter turns away from him. Hammer moves in slowly from behind and puts his arms around her and rests his head on her back.
HAMMER Oh...
But she's rather tall for him.
HAMMER Can you come down a little bit? Just think, tonight, tonight when the moon is sneaking around the clouds, I'll be sneaking around you. I'll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now -- you and the moon. You wear a necktie so I'll know ya. CUT TO:
EXT. TERRACE - LATER
No one in sight. A harp stands among other musical instruments. Red enters from behind camera, and after a backward glance, walks around the harp to a piano. He touches the keys of the piano with his hand and then shakes his hand vigorously. He then turns to peer through the strings of the harp, making a face like a wild animal trapped behind bars at the zoo. He looks around, plucks a couple strings, then sits down to play a soulful chorus of "When My Dreams Come True" ending with a long, fancy coda.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT. TWO ROOMS IN THE HOTEL - THAT NIGHT
Rooms 318 and 320 with a connecting door. Room 320, on the right, is Penelope's. It has a bed against the far wall and the usual things that go with hotel rooms. 318, on the left, is Mrs. Potter's room, basically the same as 320 but reversed and with a closet on the far wall next to the bed. There's a table with a phone by the centrally-located connecting door.
Penelope, in her room (320), opens the connecting door carefully and enters Mrs. Potter's room (318). Simultaneously, Red enters 320, sees Penelope entering 318, moves to the connecting door and gets down on hands and knees to try to peer under the door. Red crawls backwards as Penelope re-opens the connecting door briefly but changes her mind and lingers in 318 for a moment longer. Red crawls forward. Immediately, Penelope backs into 320 and Red quickly crawls under Penelope's bed to hide. Tense, Penelope closes the connecting door, grabs a cigarette, gets an idea, crosses to her telephone and places a call.
PENELOPE
(into phone)
Send up some ice water right away. That's right. Thank you.
A knock at the hall door. Penelope crosses to the door and cautiously opens it. Harvey Yates enters.
PENELOPE
Thank goodness.
HARVEY YATES
Close the door. Penelope closes the door and they confer by her bed.
PENELOPE
Did you get the key?
HARVEY YATES
(hands her a key ring)
Yes. It's one of these.
PENELOPE
Oh, that's fine. Now, listen, we can't take any chances on this job.
HARVEY YATES
How do you mean?
PENELOPE
Well, there's bound to be trouble when she misses the necklace.
HARVEY YATES
Well?
PENELOPE
Well, we can't have it found on us.
HARVEY YATES
I should say not.
PENELOPE
We've got to play safe and hide it somewhere for a while.
HARVEY YATES
Hide it?
PENELOPE
Just for a few days.
HARVEY YATES
Yes, but where?
PENELOPE
Anywhere but in here.
HARVEY YATES
Hide it... I know just the place. A hollow tree stump about a mile from here. Will that do?
PENELOPE
Fine, but how do I get there?
HARVEY YATES
It's Cocoanut Manor. You've been out there.
PENELOPE
I'm not so sure, Harvey.
HARVEY YATES
Well, here, I'll show you. Yates pulls paper and pen from his pocket and draws a map for her.
HARVEY YATES
Now... you-you go right out Cocoanut Road. Then there's Augustine Road, like this. But, instead, you take the Grenada road. Suddenly, you come to a clearing with a fringe of trees around it. That's Cocoanut Manor, where the stump is. It's about, er, twenty feet from the edge of the clearing. That's where you put the jewels. You can't miss it. Now, you take the necklace right out there, see? I've got to go back downstairs or Mrs. Potter will be suspicious. (hands her the map)
And be careful.
PENELOPE
I will.
Yates exits as Penelope studies the map. Having memorized it, she crumples it up and distractedly drops it in what she thinks is a wastepaper basket but which is in fact Red's top hat, proffered from beneath the bed. Red pulls the hat back under the bed as Penelope repeats the directions to herself:
PENELOPE
Cocoanut Manor. Grenada Road. Twenty feet from the clearing. As she repeats the above, Red crawls out from under the bed. In fact, he performs an Australian crawl and shoots a long stream of water out of his mouth as he "swims" around the bed and back under it.
PENELOPE
Everything's going along swimmingly now.
Keys in hand, Penelope moves to the connecting door and slowly opens and closes it. As she does, Hammer opens the hall door to 318, peers in, then closes the door. Penelope slowly opens and closes the connecting door, then Hammer opens and closes the hall door to 318. Now, simultaneously, Hammer opens the door to 318, Penelope opens the connecting door and Chico opens the hall door to 320 and enters. He sees Penelope at the connecting door and slams the hall door. In turn, Penelope slams the connecting door. And in turn, Hammer enters 318 and slams his door.
Penelope confronts Chico who takes her hands romantically.
CHICO You remember me? Prince of Wales?
PENELOPE
Why, yes, of course I do but, uh ...
Hammer knocks at the connecting door and bursts in on Penelope as Chico ducks out the hall door.
PENELOPE
Mr. Hammer! How dare you come into my room?
HAMMER See here, if there's gonna be two people in this room, it'll be fifty cents extra.
Somehow, Red is now in 318, sitting in a chair. He gets up and hops around on a sore foot as Hammer, in 320, listens at the connecting door. We hear a knock at the hall door to 320. Instantly, Red exits 318 by the hall door, Hammer enters 318 by the connecting door and Chico enters 320 from the hall to confront Penelope.
CHICO
Did he go?
PENELOPE
Who?
CHICO
Anybody.
We hear another knock.
PENELOPE
(to Chico)
Get out!
Chico enters 318 by the connecting door, Hammer exits 318 by the hall door and Red enters 320 from the hall and gives Penelope a big hug.
PENELOPE
Oh! You frightened me!
Red HONKS his horn at her entreatingly. Hammer pounds on the hall door to 318. Instantly, Red exits 320 by the hall door, Chico enters 320 by the connecting door, and Hammer enters 318 from the hall where he dizzily paces the room and does a nifty spin.
HAMMER (to the camera)
This hotel not only has running water, it has running guests.
In 320, Chico confers with Penelope.
CHICO You remember me? Prince of Wales...
In 318, Hammer knocks at the connecting door.
PENELOPE
(answers the knock)
Who is it? HAMMER It's me, the King of England.
CHICO My father!
Instantly, Chico exits 320 by the hall door, Hammer enters 320 by the connecting door, and Red enters 318 from the hall.
Listening at the connecting door, Hammer hears the phone in 318 ring. Red answers it. Since he either can't or won't speak, he merely HONKS his horn several times, then slams down the earpiece. Instantly, Red rushes out of 318 by the hall door, Hammer enters 318 by the connecting door, and Chico enters 320 from the hall, arms outstretched to greet Penelope who is listening at the connecting door. The hall door to 320 opens and Chico ducks under Penelope's bed to hide. Red enters from the hall, sees Penelope listening at the connecting door, quietly closes the hall door, then knocks on it.
PENELOPE
(answers the knock)
Come in!
Red immediately exits 320 into the hall. Hammer enters 320 by the connecting door, much to Penelope's surprise. Before Hammer can say or do anything, there's a knock at the hall door to 320. Hammer quickly hides under Penelope's bed as she moves to answer the hall door. Simultaneously, Chico crawls out from under the front of the bed, then follows Hammer back under again. Penelope opens the hall door to reveal a bellhop who enters with a pitcher.
BELL HOP
Ice water.
PENELOPE
(points to a table by the connecting door)
Put it there.
Bellhop puts pitcher on table.
PENELOPE
Thank you.
Bellhop heads for the door and exits as Hammer's voice drifts in from under the bed and chides Penelope:
HAMMER "Thank you"? Why don't you give him a dime?
Now, Mrs. Potter enters her room (318) from the hall door and closes it. As she moves toward the connecting door, there's a knock.
MRS. POTTER Come in.
Red enters from the hall, grinning like a maniac and carrying a pitcher of ice water. MRS. POTTER Get out.
Red hops on Mrs. Potter's bed and lies down, inviting her to join him. She is completely offended.
MRS. POTTER What? I never--! Ah-- I should say not! Mrs. Potter points imperiously to the hall door as Red rises.
MRS. POTTER You get out of here! Get out! Hurry, hurry!
Red leaves the pitcher on her bureau, waves good-bye and exits out the hall door. As Mrs. Potter again moves toward the connecting door, there's another knock.
MRS. POTTER Come in.
Red enters from the hall, grinning, turns right around, and exits again.
MRS. POTTER What is the matter with the man?!
Hammer enters from the connecting door and flops down in an armchair next to Mrs. Potter.
MRS. POTTER Mr. Hammer, what are you doing in my room?
Meanwhile, Red has entered 320 from the hall just long enough to approach Penelope, HONK at her, and exit again. In 318, Hammer rises and, after feinting an exit through the hall door, moves to feint an exit at the connecting door. Instead, he grins mischievously and starts to take his jacket off.
MRS. POTTER Don't you dare take that coat off in this room!
HAMMER Well, I was--
MRS. POTTER You get out of here as fast as you can go.
HAMMER (apologetic)
I was only playing.
Hammer has moved to the hall door. Mrs. Potter moves to the phone.
MRS. POTTER I'll find out about this [?]. Hammer opens and slams the hall door but instead of exiting, he goes into Mrs. Potter's closet.
MRS. POTTER Thank goodness he's gone! Never mind, Operator.
A knock at the hall door.
MRS. POTTER Come-come in.
Hennessy enters 318 and looks around.
MRS. POTTER Who are you?
HENNESSY
That's all right. I'll be through in a minute. (looks around but not in closet)
Well, I guess there's nobody in here.
HAMMER (sticks his head out of closet)
You don't know where to look.
HENNESSY
(to Mrs. Potter, thinking it was she who spoke)
What's that you said?
MRS. POTTER Oh, this is awful! When you're quite finished, let me know.
Mrs. Potter exits out the hall door as Hennessy knocks at the connecting door. He opens it and enters 320, looking it over. Penelope watches as Hammer exits the closet and, with a crouching saunter, passes through the connecting door and circles Hennessy who fails to notice Hammer keeping pace behind him. Finally, Hammer, having circled Hennessy, exits out the connecting door unnoticed.
HENNESSY
We-ell, everything seems to be all right in here.
PENELOPE
I'm not so sure about that.
Hennessy exits out Penelope's hall door. Hammer enters 320 through the connecting door and puts his arms around Penelope whereupon there is a pounding at the door.
HAMMER All right. I know where to go.
Hammer ducks under Penelope's bed just as Hennessy enters 320 from the hall door and Penelope enters 318 through the connecting door.
In 318, Penelope opens the drawer of Mrs. Potter's dressing table and removes a necklace from a case. She slips the jewelry down the front of her dress, rises and exits out the hall door. A moment later, Hennessy enters 318 through the connecting door to find the room empty. He exits out the hall door just as Penelope enters 320 from the hall door. Penelope leans against her door and breathes a sigh of relief. She sits on the edge of her bed.
PENELOPE
Whew! Alone at last.
Red's head emerges from the center of the mattress, startling Penelope.
PENELOPE
Ohh!
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT. TERRACE - THE NEXT MORNING
A table and two chairs. Hammer, map in hand, beckons to Chico offscreen.
HAMMER (to Chico) Come over here, I want to see you... Chico enters and stands with Hammer.
HAMMER Now listen to me, I'm not gonna have that red-
headed fellow running around in the lobby. If you wanna keep him up in your room, you'll have to keep him in a trap. CHICO Can't catch 'im. HAMMER Who is he? CHICO 'Ats-a my partner, but he no speak. HAMMER Oh, that's your silent partner... Well, anyhow, you wired me about some property. I've thought it over. Now, I can let you have three lots watering the front, or I can let you have three lots, uh, fronting the water. Now, uh, these lots cost me nine-thousand dollars and I'm gonna let you have 'em for fifteen, because I like you. CHICO I no buy-a nothing. HAMMER What? CHICO I no gotta no money. HAMMER You gotta no money? CHICO I no gotta one cent. HAMMER How you gonna pay for your room? CHICO That's-a your lookout. HAMMER Ohhhh... You're just an idle roomer. CHICO Well, you see, we come here to make money. I read the paper and it say, "Big Boom in Florida," so we come; we're a coupla big booms too. HAMMER Well, I'll show you how you can make some real money. I'm gonna hold an auction in a little while in Cocoanut Manor. Uh, you know what an auction is, eh? CHICO Yeh, I come from Italy on the Atlantic Auction. HAMMER Well, ah, let's go ahead as if nothing happened. I say, I'm holding an auction at Cocoanut Manor, and when the crowd gathers around I want you to mingle with them. Don't pick their pockets, just mingle with them and... CHICO (interrupting) I'll find time for both. HAMMER Well, maybe we can cut out the auction. Here's what I mean, if somebody says a hundred dollars you say two. If somebody says two, you say three. CHICO Bid up. HAMMER That's right. Now, if nobody says anything, then you start it off. CHICO Yeah, how'm I gonna know when they no say nothing? HAMMER Well, they'll probably notify you. You fool, if they don't say anything you'll hear 'em, won't you? CHICO Well, maybe I no listen. HAMMER Well, don't tell 'em. Now then, eh, if we're successful in disposing these lots I'll see that you get a nice commission. CHICO And, eh, how 'bout-a some money? HAMMER Well, you can have your choice. Now, in arranging these lots, of course, we use blueprints. You know what a blueprint is, eh? CHICO It's oysters. HAMMER How is it you never got double pneumonia? CHICO I go 'round by myself. HAMMER You know what a lot is? CHICO Yeah, its-a too much. HAMMER I-I don't mean a whole lot, just a little lot with nothing on it. CHICO Any time you gotta too much, you gotta whole lot. Look, I explain it to you. Sometimes you no got enough, it's too much, you gotta whole lot. Sometimes you got a little bit. You no think it's enough, somebody else maybe think it's-a too much, it's-a whole lot too. Now, it's-a whole lot, it's-a too much, it's-a too much, it's-a whole lot -- same thing. HAMMER The next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you, will ya? CHICO All right, maybe... HAMMER (interrupts) Come over here, Rand McNally, and I'll explain this thing to you. Hammer and Chico sit down at the table and peruse the map.
HAMMER Now look, this is a map and diagram of-of the whole Cocoanut section. This whole area is within a radius of approximately, eh, three-
quarters of a mile. Radius. (beat) Is there a remote possibility that you know what radius means? CHICO 'At's-a WJZ. HAMMER Well, I walked right into that one. It's gonna be a cinch explaining the rest of this thing to you, I can see that. CHICO I catch on quick. HAMMER That's a rodeo you're thinking of. Look, Einstein, here's Cocoanut Manor. No matter what you say, this is Cocoanut Manor. Here's Cocoanut Manor, here's Cocoanut Heights -- that's the swamp -- and, eh, right over here where the, where the road forks, that's Cocoanut Junction. CHICO Where you got Cocoanut Custard? HAMMER Why, that's on one of the forks. You probably eat with your knife, so you won't have to worry about that. Now, eh, here is the main road leading out of Cocoanut Manor. That's the road I wish you were on. Now, over here, on this site we're gonna build an eye and ear hospital. This is gonna be a site for sore eyes. You understand? CHICO That's-a fine. HAMMER Now, right over here, this is the residential section. CHICO Oh, people live there, eh? HAMMER No, that's the stockyard. Now, all along here, this is the river front. And all along the river, all along the river, those are all levees. CHICO That's the Jewish neighborhood? HAMMER (pause) Well, we'll Passover that. You're a peach, boy. Now, here is a little peninsula, and, eh, here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland. CHICO Why a duck? HAMMER I'm all right, how are you? I say, here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland. CHICO All right, why a duck? HAMMER I'm not playing "Ask Me Another," I say that's a viaduct. CHICO All right! Why a duck? It's what... why a duck? Why a no chicken? HAMMER Well, I don't know why a no chicken -- I'm a stranger here myself. All I know is that it's a viaduct. You try to cross over there a chicken and you'll find out why a duck.
CHICO I no go someplace, I just... HAMMER (interrupts) It's... It's deep water, that's why a duck. It's deep water. CHICO That's why a duck... HAMMER Look... look, suppose you were out horseback riding and you came to that stream and you wanted to ford over. You couldn't make it, it's too deep! CHICO Well, why do you want with a Ford if you got a horse? HAMMER Well, I'm sorry the matter ever came up. All I know is that it's a viaduct. CHICO Now, look, all right, I catch on-a why a horse, why a chicken, why a this, why a that... I no catch on-a why a duck. HAMMER Well, I was only fooling. I-I was only fooling. They're gonna build a tunnel there in the morning. Now, is that clear to ya? CHICO Yes, everything except-a why a duck. HAMMER Well, that's fine. Then we can go ahead with this thing. Now look... I'm gonna take you down and show you our cemetery. I've got a waiting list of fifty people at that cemetery just dying to get in, but I like you. CHICO Yeah, you're my friend. HAMMER I like you, and I'm gonna shove you in ahead of all of 'em. CHICO I know you like me. HAMMER I'm gonna see that you get a steady position. CHICO That's-a good. HAMMER And if I can arrange it, it'll be horizontal. CHICO Yeah, that's it.
HAMMER Now, remember, when the auction starts, if somebody says a hundred dollars ... ? CHICO I say two hundred. HAMMER That's grand. Now, if somebody says two hundred? CHICO I say three hundred. HAMMER That's great! Now, you know how to get down there? CHICO No, I'm a stranger... They rise. Hammer points.
HAMMER Now, look... now look, you go down there, down that narrow path there until you come to the...
that little jungle there, you see it? Where those thatched palms are... and there's a little clearing there... a little clearing with a wire fence around it. With a-- You see that wire fence there? CHICO All right. Why a fence? HAMMER Oh, no! We're not gonna go all through that again! They start to exit.
HAMMER You come along with me, and I'll fix you up! CUT TO:
EXT. - MOMENTS LATER
A crowd stands around under palm trees awaiting the start of the auction. The MUSIC of the song "The Monkey-Doodle-Doo" plays in the background as Hammer, gavel in hand, and Chico approach through the palms. CHICO All right, all right! I know what you mean. Bid 'em up! Go higher! One say one, two hundred. Two hundred, three hundred.
HAMMER That's it. Soon as you hear a hundred dollars, you say two hundred. Someone says two, you say three. Help me put this deal over and you can have anything you've got.
CHICO I got-a nothing.
HAMMER Be alert. That's it. Be alert. Be alert or papa don't go out at all.
CHICO All right, I be alert. I don't know what it is, but I be one.
Hammer ascends the little auctioneer's stand from which he will conduct the auction. HAMMER (to the crowd)
All ye suckers who are gonna get trimmed, step this way for the big swindle! Ladies and gentlemen, before proceeding with the main business of the day, which is the selling of these lots at any price, we are gonna have a little entertainment -- very little. I want to present to you Miss Polly Potter, the best-
paying guest in the hotel. In fact, the only paying guest in the hotel. She will sing for you. And for me, too. Miss Potter.
Polly, radiant in a sun dress, smiles and sings the verse of Irving Berlin's immortal classic "The Monkey-Doodle-Doo" in front of a lineup of well-dressed women.
POLLY POTTER
(sings)
Monkeys upon a tree never are very blue
They never seem to be under par, that is true
Not like the ones you see on a bar in the zoo
Monkeys upon a tree do the Monkey-Doodle-Doo
As she sings the refrain, Polly wiggles her hips and the women move off.
POLLY POTTER
(sings)
Oh, among the mangoes where the monkey gang goes
You can see them do
The little Monkey-Doodle-Doo
Oh, a little monkey playing on his one key
Gives them all the cue
To do the Monkey-Doodle-Doo
Let me take you by the hand
Over to the jungle band
If you're too old for dancing
Get yourself a monkey gland
And then let's
Go, my little dearie, there's the Darwin theory
Telling me and you
To do the Monkey-Doodle-Doo
As she finishes the refrain, women in outrageous jungle costumes fall in behind her doing simple repetitive movements as Polly starts dancing horribly, flouncing her skirt around to reveal her panties with all the finesse of a 3rd grade ballerina wannabe... kicks, spins, flapping her arms like a chicken, etc. After about a chorus and a half of this, the women dance off, leaving Polly to drop to one knee. We suspect the number is over -- but no! To the music of the verse, the jungle women dance in and Polly dances out. To a heavy jungle rhythm, the women do some awful line dancing and arm-waving.
Another refrain begins and now normally-dressed women, looking like flappers, appear and do more arm-waving. Things get very crowded and energetic out there on that palm tree-lined dance floor. Finally, they all dance off and the guests applaud.
Hammer, gavel in hand, looks up, waits for the MUSIC to end and then launches into his spiel.
HAMMER (to the crowd)
Florida, folks! Singing, dancing and
entertainment! After the entertainment, there'll be sandwiches. But, remember, if there are no lots sold, there'll be no sandwiches. Florida, folks! Sunshine, sunshine! Perpetual sunshine all the year around! Let's get the auction started before we get a tornado. Right this way. Step forward, everybody. Friends, you are now in Cocoanut Manor, one of the finest cities in Florida. Of course, we still need a few finishing touches, but who doesn't? This is the heart of the residential district. Every lot is a stone's throw from the station. As soon as they throw enough stones, we're going to build a station. Eight hundred wonderful residences will be built right here. Why, they're as good as up. Better. You can have any kind of a home you want to. You can even get stucco -- Oh, how you can get stuck-o! Now is the time to buy while the new boom is on. Remember that old saying: "a new boom sweeps clean" and don't forget the guarantee -- my personal guarantee: If these lots don't double in value in a year, I don't know what you can do about it. Now then, we'll take lot number twenty -- lot number twentah -- right at the corner of DeSoto Avenue. Of course, you all know who DeSoto was. He discovered a body of water. You've all heard of the water that they named after him, De Soda Water? Now, this lot has a twenty foot frontage, a fourteen foot backage and a mighty fine garbage. Now what am I offered for this lot? Anything at all? Anything at all? Chico stands in the crowd to the left of the auctioneer's stand.
CHICO
Two hundred dollars. HAMMER Ah! A gentleman bids two hundred dollars. Who'll pay three hundred? CHICO
Three hundred dollars. HAMMER Ha ha ha! Another gentleman says three hundred dollars. Do I hear four? CHICO
Four hundred dollars. Hammer rolls his eyes, sinks down, rests his head on his fist.
HAMMER (to the camera)
Well, the auction is practically over. It's all over but the shooting. I'll attend to that later. CHICO
Five hundred dollars. HAMMER Do I hear six hundred? CHICO
Six hundred-dollah. HAMMER Sold for six hundred dollars. (to Jamison)
Wrap up that lot and put some poison ivy on it. Jamison stands behind Hammer throughout the scene, jotting down notes in a little book.
JAMISON
Yes, sir.
Again, Hammer sinks down, rests his head on his fist.
HAMMER (to the camera)
Well, I came out even on that one. That was a big success. Yeah, one more success like that and I'll sell my body to a medical institute. (rises, to the crowd)
Now, we'll take lot number twenty-one. There it is, right over there. Right over there, folks, right where that cocoanut tree is. What am I offered for lot number twenty-
one? CHICO
Two hundred dollars. HAMMER Why, my friend, there's over two hundred dollars worth of milk in those cocoanuts -- and what milk! Milk from contented cow-co-nuts. Who'll pay three hundred? A BIDDER stands to the right of the auctioneer's stand.
BIDDER
Three hundred dollars!
HAMMER Three hundred dollars!
CHICO
Four hundred!
HAMMER Four hundred!
BIDDER
Five hundred!
HAMMER Five hundred dollars?
CHICO
Six hundred, seven hundred, eight hundred. What the heck I care? HAMMER (to Chico)
What the heck do you care?! But how about me? (to Jamison)
Sold to "what the heck" for eight hundred dollars. (to Chico)
I hope all your teeth have cavities and don't forget -- abscess makes the heart grow fonder. (sinks, to the camera)
When he said "viaduct," I should have smelt a rat. I did, but I didn't know who it was. (rises, to the crowd)
Now, we'll take lot number twenty-two. What am I offered for lot number twenty-two? MAN IN CROWD
One hundred dollars!
HAMMER (quickly)
Sold for one hundred dollars! CHICO
(a beat too late)
Two hundred dollars! Hammer shakes Jamison's hand triumphantly. HAMMER (sinks, to camera, smiling)
Believe me, you gotta get up early if you want to get out of bed. (rises, to the crowd)
Now, we'll take lot number twenty-three--
CHICO
(interrupts)
Two hundred dollars! HAMMER (to Chico)
Hey, what are you gonna do with all these lots? Play lottos?
(to the crowd)
Who'll say three hundred?
CHICO
Four hundred.
HAMMER Four hundred? Do I hear five?
BIDDER
Five hundred dollars!
HAMMER Five hundred dollars! Sold to this gentlemen--
CHICO
Six hundred dollars!
BIDDER
Seven hundred!
HAMMER Seven hundred dollars! Sold to this gentlemen--
CHICO
Eight hundred dollars!
HAMMER Do I hear nine? Do I hear nine?
CHICO
You hear nine, you hear ten.
HAMMER (darkly, to Chico)
If I hear ten, you'll hear plenty.
(to the bidder)
Do I hear nine? Will the gentlemen who said seven say nine? Will the gentlemen who said seven say seven again? Will you say six?
CHICO
He say six I say seven. HAMMER Will ya--?
CHICO
He say seven, I say eight. He say eight, I say nine. I got plenty numbers left. Huh! When I start, I no stop-a for nothing. I bid 'em up. I go higher, higher, higher, all the time is go higher.
Chico retreats to a palm tree and leans against it.
HAMMER (to Chico)
Yeah, you'll go higher when I get a hold of ya. (to Jamison)
Sold to Hiawatha for eight hundred dollars.
(to Chico)
Get away from that tree before it dies.
Chico moves away from the tree. Hammer quietly ducks down and tries to whisper to the nearby bidder. Chico joins them. Hammer, surprised to see him, laughs self-consciously at Chico but, after Chico withdraws, confers quietly with the bidder.
BIDDER
Fifty dollars!
HAMMER Sold for fifty dollars!
CHICO
(a beat too late)
Two hundred dollars!
Hammer rises and taunts Chico.
HAMMER (falsetto)
Too late! Too late!
Annoyed, Chico gesticulates wildly and stalks off.
HAMMER (to a bidder)
Ah, we'll take lot number twenty-five, right where you're standing. Will you please get your feet off this lot? You're getting it all dirty. (to all)
Now, here's a lot, folks. It doesn't look very big on top but it's all yours as far down as you want to go -- and it's dirt cheap. Now, what am I offered for lot number twenty-five? Anything at all? Who'll start it off? Anyone at all? Anyone at--
(to Jamison)
What's become of Peter Rabbit?
(to the crowd)
What am I offered for lot twenty-five? Come on, folks, you know you're all allowed to bid. This is a free country. What am I offered for lot twenty-five? What am I offered for lot twenty-
five and a year's subscription to Youth's Companion? Will somebody take a year's subscription? I'm trying to work my way through college. Will somebody take a six month subscription? I'll go to high school. Does anybody want to buy a lead pencil? (starts to remove his jacket) I'll wrestle anybody in the crowd for five dollars. (Jamison puts a hand up to Hammer's shoulder to stop him from removing his jacket)
Well, if there's not going to be any more bidding, I might as well quit. What's the matter with you people? Can't you visualize bargains? Don't you want to make money? I'm gonna try one more lot and if I don't dispose of this, I'm gonna fold up. You get me? Now, we're gonna take lot number twenty-six, the star lot of the whole proceedings. (points with gavel, the crowd looks)
Here it is, right over there, where the stump of that tree is -- overlooking the oceanfront, one of the finest sites in Florida. Now, somebody make me an offer.
BOB ADAMS
(with Polly on his arm)
Two hundred dollars!
HAMMER Two hundred dollars!
BIDDER
Three hundred!
HAMMER Who'll say four hundred?
HARVEY YATES
Four hundred dollars!
HAMMER Four hundred dollars! Now, do I hear--?
(abruptly, to Jamison)
Keep Winnie the Pooh outta here, will ya? He'll ruin me.
(to the crowd)
Who'll say five hundred?
BOB ADAMS
Five hundred dollars!
HAMMER Five hundred dollars! Six? Come on, now.
HARVEY YATES
Eight hundred dollars!
HAMMER Eight hundred dollars? (pats Yates on the head)
Now, there's a gentleman with vision. (strokes Yates' hair)
And a nice haircut. There's a gentleman with vision. Who'll say a thousand?
BOB ADAMS
One thousand dollars!
HAMMER A thousand? There's a gentleman with double vision and a better haircut. Who'll say eleven hundred?
HARVEY YATES
Eleven hundred.
HAMMER Eleven hundred! There's a gentleman with astigmatism! Twelve, once? Come on, now! Twelve?
BOB ADAMS
Twelve hundred dollars!
HAMMER Twelve, hail and farewell! Who'll say thirteen? Thirteen? Come on! Thirteen?
Red, sitting atop a coconut tree with a monkey in his arms, hurls a coconut down from above.
HARVEY YATES
I'll bid--
The coconut hits Yates in the head, stunning him silent in mid-sentence.
HAMMER Thirteen? Do I hear thirteen? Do I-- Twelve? Twelve once, twelve twice ... (to Jamison)
Sold to Mr. Adams for twelve hundred dollars! (to Bob)
And a mighty fine piece of property you got there, buddy.
(to Jamison)
Make a note of that, Jamison.
POLLY POTTER
(delighted)
Oh, Bob! You got it!
HARVEY YATES
(coming out of a daze, to Hammer)
What? What happened? I protest against that! I didn't have a chance to bid.
HAMMER (to Yates)
What do you mean, young man? I want you to understand that I don't discriminate. You had the same opportunity as everybody else.
Mrs. Potter runs in, extremely agitated.
MRS. POTTER Mr. Hammer! Mr. Hammer! I've been robbed!
The crowd murmurs in shock.
MRS. POTTER My necklace -- in your hotel!
POLLY POTTER
Oh, Mother!
MRS. POTTER It's worth a hundred thousand dollars!
The crowd murmurs again.
HAMMER Was it valuable?
MRS. POTTER Was it valuable? I'll give a thousand dollars reward for its return.
HAMMER (to the crowd)
You hear that? This little lady has lost a necklace worth a hundred thousand dollars and she offers a thousand dollars reward for its return.
CHICO Two thousand!
HAMMER Sold for two thousand dollars! (to Jamison)
Make a note of that, Jamison.
Hennessy pushes through the crowd.
HENNESSY
... Comin' through on this. I'll take charge of this. All you people get back and give us plenty of room and keep quiet. Red wanders in, gesturing to Yates and Penelope.
HENNESSY
(to Red)
Cut that out!
CHICO (helps organize the crowd)
Come on, get back, get back, everybody, get back.
Red slaps Hennessy hard on the arm. Hennessy barely reacts but Red has hurt his own hand and shakes it in pain.
CHICO (concerned, to Red)
What's-a matter? What, did he hurt you?
Red demonstrates what happened by hitting Chico who thinks Red wants to fight. CHICO What's-a matter? No push. Come on, come on. As they did earlier, Red and Chico square off like two kids imitating prizefighters. CHICO All right, all right. Start fighting. Go 'head. Chico starts to swing, Red kicks him in the pants, Chico swings and misses.
CHICO That's-a rumble a fightcha.
Hennessy grabs Red by the collar and hauls him away from Chico. Red then turns to Mrs. Potter and starts gesturing wildly.
MRS. POTTER Mr. Hammer, what's the matter with him?
HAMMER I don't know where he's from. He hasn't any license on.
Red mimes a necklace and beckons Mrs. Potter to follow him.
MRS. POTTER (to Red)
What is it? What?
Red, with one hand over his eyes, moves to the nearby tree stump and with his free hand fishes inside it and pulls out the necklace which Mrs. Potter immediately recognizes. Red holds it up to his waist, grins, and wiggles his hips, imitating a belly dancer.
MRS. POTTER Yes! That's it! That's it! You dear man. (hugs and kisses Red, takes
necklace)
Oh, I'm so happy. I must kiss you again.
Mrs. Potter reaches out to Red who makes a face and leans back ready to sock her. She wisely decides not to kiss him. HENNESSY
(interrupts, to Red)
So that's it! I saw you in that room last night. Grabbin' off stuff for the reward, eh? Now, then, you -- come clean!
Hennessy points a finger in Red's face. Red instantly bites the finger and grabs hold of Hennessy's arm as he struggles to pull away.
HENNESSY
Hey! Cut-- Let go of that!
Chico grabs Red and Hammer grabs Hennessy, trying to pull the two men apart.
CHICO (to Red)
All right, leave him go. Come on, leave him go.
HAMMER
(helpfully, to Hennessy)
Put your foot on it.
Chico pulls Red away and Red sprawls on the ground.
HENNESSY
(to Red)
How'd you know that necklace was there?
HARVEY YATES
Oh, Officer, may I make a suggestion?
HENNESSY
What is it?
HARVEY YATES
Well, isn't it possible that the gentleman who bought this lot might know something about it? Why was he so anxious to buy it?
HENNESSY
(to Bob)
How about it, you? Why'd you buy this lot?
BOB ADAMS
(after a glance at Polly)
None of your business.
MRS. POTTER He's a desperate character.
POLLY POTTER
Oh, Mother, he isn't!
MRS. POTTER Polly!
HENNESSY
Whenever a young fella shuts up and won't say anything, I've noticed it's generally on account of a woman. Who is she?
BOB ADAMS
None of your business. I won't say a word. HENNESSY
(to Bob)
You won't say anything ... (indicates Red)
This guy's letting on to be a dummy.
Red, sitting on the ground, uses his cane as an oar and pretends to be rowing a boat -- with each stroke, his horn HONKS and he mysteriously slides backwards, slowly exiting from the scene.
HENNESSY
(indicates Chico)
This bird ya can't understand when he does talk.
CHICO (with disgust)
Ahhh, shalom!
Chico exits.
HENNESSY
Is there anybody here who will talk?
HAMMER I will, but I can't think of anything!
HENNESSY
(to Bob)
Well, if you won't tell me about it, you'll tell somebody else.
BOB ADAMS
Here, wait a minute! Do you mean to say that--?
HENNESSY
That's enough. Come on.
PENELOPE
(intervenes, to Hennessy)
Oh, please, please don't take him.
HENNESSY
What?
PENELOPE
(puts her arm around Bob)
Oh, I didn't want you to steal it, Bob. I'd no idea that you'd do it. Oh, I feel awful.
BOB ADAMS
(removes her arm from his shoulder)
What are you talking about?
POLLY POTTER
Bob, what does she mean?
MRS. POTTER (cautions her daughter)
Polly ...
HENNESSY
So that's it!
PENELOPE
Oh, it's all my fault. I'd no idea he'd think that I meant it. Bob, I didn't want you to do it. I just meant if you could give me one like it.
BOB ADAMS
But wait a minute! Are you accusing me of taking Mrs. Potter's necklace?
PENELOPE
Why, I'm taking all the blame myself. I was joking and ... you took me seriously. Why, Bob, last night when you told me that you'd taken it, I just couldn't believe it.
BOB ADAMS
Told you I'd taken what? (turns to Polly)
Why, Polly, she's out of her mind.
MRS. POTTER It sounds quite plausible to me.
POLLY POTTER
Mother!
PENELOPE
He didn't know what he was doing. I begged him to take it back.
BOB ADAMS
Say, I'm not gonna stand for any more of this. Why, the whole thing is ridiculous. It's absurd. (to the crowd)
Do you people really think for one moment that--? Members of the crowd lower their eyes uncomfortably and turn away from him.
BOB ADAMS
Oh, I-I don't care what you think, any of you. Polly, you know it's a lie, don't you?
PENELOPE
It was just a harmless flirtation and then, well, he lost his head.
BOB ADAMS
(to Polly)
Don't you know it's a lie?
POLLY POTTER
Why, of course I do. You don't think I'd believe a silly story like that, do you?
MRS. POTTER Polly ...
POLLY POTTER
Mother, I don't believe it.
MRS. POTTER Mr. Adams, I must ask you never to speak to my daughter again.
BOB ADAMS
But Mrs. Potter--!
HENNESSY
Come on, fella!
POLLY POTTER
(throws her arms around Bob)
Bob, I'm going with you!
MRS. POTTER (to Polly)
You'll stay here!
BOB ADAMS
Yes, Polly ... you stay here. It's only for a little while. Heh. Why, the whole thing is ridiculous.
HENNESSY
Ya ready?
BOB ADAMS
(kisses Polly on the hands and turns to Hennessy)
Yes.
As Bob moves to join Hennessy, Penelope puts a hand on his arm.
PENELOPE
Oh, I'm so sorry, Bob.
BOB ADAMS
(pushes her arm away)
Don't keep it up any longer. (to Hennessy) All right.
HENNESSY
I'll have a confession out of him in half an hour. Come on, you.
Hennessy and Bob exit. Polly tries to follow.
POLLY POTTER
Bob!
MRS. POTTER (grabs Polly and keeps her from leaving)
Will you come back here?!
HAMMER (to the crowd, as if nothing had happened)
Now, we'll take lot number twenty-seven. I've been so unsuccessful in disposing of these other lots that I'm gonna give away a half a pound of tea with every lot that I sell from now on.
Mrs. Potter holds up a hand to silence Hammer.
MRS. POTTER (to Polly)
There's only way to wipe out this disgrace. You must make people forget that you ever knew this young man.
POLLY POTTER
Mother! What are you saying?
MRS. POTTER You see what's come of your way. Now, I'm going to have mine. Mr. Yates?
HARVEY YATES
(smiling)
Yes, Mrs. Potter?
MRS. POTTER My daughter has reconsidered her answer to you.
POLLY POTTER
Mother!
MRS. POTTER Your engagement will be announced tonight.
HARVEY YATES
That's wonderful, Polly.
MRS. POTTER (to the crowd)
I shall give a dinner ... at the hotel.
As the crowd murmurs its approval, Hammer leaps down from the auctioneer's stand, rubs his hands greedily, and joins Mrs. Potter.
HAMMER A dinner? A dinner? You want the thirty or the forty cent dinner?
MRS. POTTER You may invite everyone ...
HAMMER It's fifty with Jell-O -- and oh, how you can jell-o!
MRS. POTTER ... in honor of the engagement of my daughter...
HAMMER I see.
MRS. POTTER ... to Mr. Harvey Yates.
HAMMER (shakes Yates' hand)
Let me be the last to congratulate you. (shakes Polly's hand)
And you, too. I'm sure you'll have a very dismal wedding with this chap-oh.
The crowd begins to disperse and exit, though some pause to shake hands with the lucky couple and offer sentiments like, "Congratulations, Mr. Yates." and "Congratulations, Polly." Soon, everyone has exited, leaving Polly alone with Yates. HARVEY YATES
Coming, Polly?
POLLY POTTER
In a minute. Please go ahead.
HARVEY YATES
Aw, what's the matter, dear?
POLLY POTTER
Nothing. Please go.
HARVEY YATES
All right. I'll wait for you.
Yates exits as MUSIC begins: a sad instrumental version of "When My Dreams Come True." Polly, distressed, wrings her hands and begins to walk off until she pauses, overcome with tears. As she sobs, her head lowered, Red enters and approaches her. She doesn't notice him. After a pause, he impassively reaches into his pocket, pulls out a lollipop and offers it to her. He taps her gently on the shoulder with it and she turns to face him. She looks at the candy and he mimes licking it, then holds it out to her. She glances at him, looks again at the candy, looks him in the eyes and, still crying, puts her head on his shoulder. Red remains impassive as the music and the picture slowly ...
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT. JAIL - LATER THAT DAY
Red and Chico, shushing each other, hide from view as Hennessy exits the jail and turns to lock the door. Red and Chico sneak up behind him and when he turns and tries to pocket the key, Red positions himself so that Hennessy unknowingly deposits the key in Red's pocket. Red and Chico watch Hennessy exit.
CHICO You get--? You got the key?
Red shushes him and shows him the key.
CHICO That's fine! Hey, wait, wait! Look. (holds up a thin hacksaw blade)
I got the saw. Now, you gotta get us something, we get-a Bob out. Hurry up.
Red puts the key in the lock, opens the door. He and Chico go into the jail.
CUT TO:
INT. JAIL - CONTINUOUS
Bob sits glumly in a jail cell. Chico enters, looking around. He spots Bob.
CHICO Bob, hey, Bob, hey, Bob!
BOB ADAMS
Huh?
Bob rises and joins Chico at the cell door. They shake hands.
CHICO How do you do, how do you do?
BOB ADAMS
Hello. What are you doing here? I didn't know they allowed visitors here.
CHICO I'm-a no visitor. We come to get you out. We gotta be quick, too.
BOB ADAMS
Aw, thanks very much. You shouldn't've bothered but, er, I might as well stay here as any other place.
CHICO You gotta come out. Uh, uh, Polly, she wants you.
BOB ADAMS
Polly wants me?
CHICO She gotta have you ... because tonight she's gonna be, uh, engaged.
BOB ADAMS
Engaged?
CHICO Yeah, is gonna be married. Mrs. Potter, she's gonna give a-a big, ah, engagement dinner.
BOB ADAMS
Who? To who?
CHICO To Polly, Yates to Polly. Everybody's gonna be there. You, too. BOB ADAMS
Polly's gonna marry Yates?
CHICO That's right. That's right.
BOB ADAMS
Well, come on, let me out of here. Get me out of here. Quick.
CHICO Wait, wait. We get you out. (calls to Red)
Hey, Paisan, bring in the [?]. Come on. Hurry up. Quick, quick.
Red enters carrying a ton of tools: pick-axe, shovel, hammer, hoe, etc., and, even as Chico shushes him, drops them loudly on the floor. Red and Chico shush each other.
CHICO (reassuringly, to Bob)
We get you out.
Red holds up a fruit.
CHICO Ho ho ho. He's-a no [?].
BOB ADAMS
No, thanks very much. I don't want anything to eat.
CHICO All right.
BOB ADAMS
Not at a time like this. Come on, hurry up. Get me out of here.
CHICO We get you out.
Red holding a large mallet, places his hand above the cell door's lock and, taking careful aim, uses the mallet to smash his own hand painfully.
CHICO What's-a matter? What do you do, heh? Come on, break-a the lock. Come on.
BOB ADAMS
Hurry.
Red places his hand farther above the cell door's lock and, taking careful aim, uses the mallet to again smash his own hand painfully. Red pushes Chico who pushes back and they start acting like prizefighters again.
CHICO What's a matter with you? What's a matter for you? Come on. Come on. A rumble.
Chico starts to swing, Red kicks him in the pants, Chico swings and misses.
BOB ADAMS
Stop fighting! This is no time to fight. Come on. Hurry up. Get me out of here, quick.
Red produces a large key ring.
BOB ADAMS
Oh, come on, hurry, hurry.
Red puts a key in the lock and easily opens the cell door.
CHICO Heh heh heh! Come on, hurry up, while everybody's away. Come on.
Chico leads Bob out of the cell and they exit. Meanwhile, Red enters the cell, purposefully shuts the door behind him and waves goodbye. Suddenly, he realizes he's locked himself in and panics, HONKING his horn for help. But then he grabs one of the bars of the cell and it instantly snaps off. He easily climbs through the open space to freedom, grinning like a maniac.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT. FRONT DESK - NOT LONG AFTER
The phone rings. Hammer enters and answers.
HAMMER (into the phone)
Is that so? Well, I'll attend to that. (hangs up; calls out)
Boy! The lone male bellboy enters and salutes.
HAMMER It's been reported to me that there's a poker game going on in room four-twenty. You go up
there and knock on the door and see if you can get me a seat.
BELLBOY
(saluting)
Yes, sir.
OUTSIDE ON THE TERRACE
Red enters and moves to the open hotel door, whistles and beckons to Hammer.
AT THE FRONT DESK
HAMMER (to Red)
Me? All right, I'll be right over.
Hammer starts off.
OUTSIDE ON THE TERRACE
Chico has joined Red and they beckon to Bob who enters.
CHICO All right, Bob. Coast is clear. Nobody around. It's-a fine, huh?
Hammer enters and joins Red, Chico and Bob. He shakes Bob's hand.
CHICO Here he is. We got him. Yeah, we got him all right.
HAMMER (to Bob)
Hello, you out on parole?
BOB ADAMS
No, these two gentlemen helped me to get out. I'm ever so much obliged to you, Mr. Hammer. They told me it was your idea. I can't begin to thank you.
Bob shakes Chico's hand.
CHICO That's all right. Maybe you do as much for me sometime. Well, ariva-darchy! Goodbye!
HAMMER Ariva-darchy.
Chico exits into the hotel, leaving Bob with Hammer and Red.
BOB ADAMS
(to Red)
I can't begin to thank you.
Bob shakes Red's hand. When Bob let's go, Red has Bob's wristwatch between his fingers. Bob chuckles and retrieves his watch as Red tries to put it on his own wrist. Hammer checks his pockets to make sure he, too, hasn't been robbed,
finds a wad of cash, stuffs it into another pocket for safekeeping and tucks a tail of his coat between his legs. Red pulls Hammer's necktie from his pocket and offers it to him. Hammer clutches at his throat, realizes his necktie has been stolen, snatches it away from Red and begins to put it on. HAMMER Why, that's polygamy!
BOB ADAMS
Believe me, it's no fun being in jail.
HAMMER Jail is no place for a young fella. There's no advancement.
BOB ADAMS
But, seriously, Mr. Hammer, you know that story of Penelope's was all a lie, don't you?
HAMMER Now, what's the use of worrying? Silly to worry, isn't it? You're gone today and here tomorrow.
BOB ADAMS
But you know it was a lie. How'm I gonna prove it?
Red whistles, pulls a folded piece of paper from his pocket and offers it to Bob.
BOB ADAMS
What is it?
Bob unfolds the paper and reads it.
BOB ADAMS
(reads)
"Silent Red wanted by the police."
Red snatches the paper away. Wrong paper. He reaches into his pockets for something else and various items start dropping noisily to the floor: an alarm clock, fruit, silverware, etc. The three men scramble around trying to pick these things up. Some of the dialogue is drowned out by the clatter of the falling objects.
HAMMER What's going on here? [?] are dropping from on high here. What's this? A grapefruit. A coffee pot. A [?].
Hammer and Bob stand with their hands full. Red still searches his pockets.
HAMMER Well... I hope I still got my underwear on.
You know .. Red pulls Hammer's underwear from one of his pockets and offers it to him.
HAMMER Come here with that. Hammer snatches the underwear away from Red and stuffs it in his pants.
HAMMER I felt kind of flimsy.
(suddenly)
Bob!
BOB ADAMS
Yes, sir?
HAMMER Go upstairs and count the rooms. I think the third floor is missing.
Hammer dumps most of his objects into an oversized decorative vase nearby.
HAMMER I'll put this stuff in here until I get ready to go upstairs. Wait just a moment. (reads off a couple of knives)
"Blackstone Hotel, Chicago"? "Statler Hotel, Cleveland"? Those are mine! Can you imagine that?
Red hands Bob another piece of paper.
HAMMER That's more papers ... than I've ever seen.
Bob unfolds the paper and reads it:
BOB ADAMS
"Grenada Road. Cocoanut Road." Using his teeth, Red snatches the handkerchief out of Bob's breast pocket. Bob retrieves it and places it in his jacket's right hip pocket but Red reaches all the way around Bob's waist and pulls it out as soon as he pockets it.
BOB ADAMS
"Grenada Road. Cocoanut R--" Bob sees that Red has swiped the handkerchief, chuckles, retrieves it again and stuffs it into his breast pocket. Red helps him stuff it in and then instantly removes it again.
BOB ADAMS
"Grenada R--"
Bob sees Red still has the handkerchief and takes it back.
HAMMER (to Bob)
Hey, if you get it twice more, you're allowed to keep it.
Bob stuffs the handkerchief into his pocket as Red holds up Bob's wristwatch. Bob takes the watch and pockets it. Hammer laughs at this until Red pulls out Hammer's necktie again.
HAMMER Come here with that, will ya? Well--
(takes necktie and starts to put it on)
You can beat that but you can't tie it.
After tying his tie, Hammer feels in his mouth and looks shocked. He starts peering at the floor, looking for something. Bob helps him look. After a moment, Red pulls a lower bridge from his pocket. Hammer sees it, takes it, appears horrified, turns his back to the camera and puts his teeth back into his mouth. Bob reads from the paper again:
BOB ADAMS
"Grenada Road--"
HAMMER Don't, don't. Don't talk. He'll take the words right out of your mouth.
BOB ADAMS
"Grenada--"
Red offers Bob his handkerchief, stolen from Bob's hip pocket. Bob takes it and stuffs it in his breast pocket. BOB ADAMS
"Grenada Road. Cocoanut Road. Hollow stump. Jewels." (to Red)
Tell me, where did you find this?
HAMMER That's a great guy you picked to ask.
BOB ADAMS
(insistent, to Red)
Where did you find this?
Red leans in and appears to whisper into Bob's ear -- but instead of whispering, he merely HONKS his horn a few times. Bob gives him a look, then turns to Hammer.
BOB ADAMS
Mr. Hammer, whoever drew this knows something about that robbery. Look...
FAST FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT. HOTEL TERRACE - THAT NIGHT
MUSIC in. Aerial view of chorus girls moving in kaleidoscopic patterns in the style of Busby Berkely's choreography. DISSOLVE TO a side view as the number continues. Hotel guests dressed in vaguely Spanish or South American styles look on as the girls dance. At one point, we cut away to a man wooing a woman behind a rococo gate. The girls now dance in a line before the guests, doing a lot of synchronized arm-waving and leg-kicking. When the number ends, there is a pause as the camera tracks forward and the girls look up at the sound of Polly's voice singing a sad but hopeful refrain of "When My Dreams Come True." We pan up to a balcony railing where Polly stands, wearing a spangled hat and low-cut gown.
POLLY POTTER
(sings)
The skies will all be blue
When my dreams come true
And I'll be smiling through
When my dreams come true
That Spanish castle I built in my mind
Will be a love nest, the practical kind
And I'll be there with you
When my dreams come true
Polly sighs and the song comes to an end.
CUT TO:
DOWNSTAIRS
To the MUSIC of Irving Berlin's "Tango Melody," Mrs. Potter stands with Harvey Yates greeting the dinner guests. Penelope enters and shakes hands with her.
MRS. POTTER Penelope, dear. So good of you to come.
PENELOPE
Thanks so much, Mrs. Potter. Oh, isn't this lovely? You're a lucky boy, Harvey.
HARVEY YATES
Yes.
PENELOPE
I know the party's going to be a great success.
MRS. POTTER I hope so.
MALE GUEST
Hello, Penelope.
PENELOPE
Oh, hello. I didn't know you were going to be here.
MALE GUEST
Anywhere that you are.
PENELOPE
Ha ha. Oh.
Penelope and the guest walk off, arm in arm. Jamison enters in an Argentinean
gaucho outfit.
JAMISON
How do you do?
MRS. POTTER How do you do? Is Mr. Hammer coming?
JAMISON
Mr. Hammer? Yes. He'll be here directly.
Jamison walks off. Hammer enters, wearing a fez with extremely long tassels and shoulder pads worthy of a football player, much to the amusement of Mrs. Potter who can't stop laughing at him.
MRS. POTTER Mr. Hammer, your costume's wonderful.
HAMMER This costume has been condemned by Good Housekeeping.
MRS. POTTER I love the color scheme.
HAMMER That isn't a scheme, that's a conspiracy.
LACKEY
(announcing the next guest)
Signor Chico Joseph Mala di Acounia, Count di Elisinore!
HAMMER On track twenty-five!
Chico enters in a stylish, caped costume, grandly speaking Italian gibberish to a smiling Mrs. Potter, and kisses her on the hand. Hammer taps him on the shoulder.
HAMMER Listen, Count, as soon as the guests leave, I'd like you to take the ashes out.
CHICO Ah, shalom!
LACKEY
(announcing the next guest)
It is His Excellency, the Ambassador from San Rafaelo, Signor T. Harpano!
Red enters, smoking a lengthy cigarette, HONKING his horn, slyly checking out the female guests. Sombrero in hand and grinning broadly, he approaches Harvey Yates. They stare at one another a moment and then Red drops his hat. As Yates bends to pick it up, the hat instantly pops back into Red's hand -- thanks to an elastic band. Red moves on to Mrs. Potter, puts the sombrero on his head and kisses her hand -- then takes her forearm and puts his knee up to it, threatening to break it in half. Yates pulls him away. Red shakes Yates' hand and, putting the cigarette back in his mouth, joins Hammer, Chico and Jamison.
Red hands Hammer his leg. Hammer pushes it away.
HAMMER Hey, nix on that stuff.
The "Tango Melody" MUSIC fades away as Red blows smoke into Hammer's face.
HAMMER Sure 'n' it's just the breath of old Ireland. I can see me old mother coming down the old peat bog and I can see the ... I can see the old ...
Red whistles a jaunty Irish air and quickly he, Chico and Jamison are dancing a fling. Finally, Hammer joins in wordlessly crooning "Pop Goes the Weasel" and the four do-si-do.
HAMMER ... goes the weasel!
They stop and watch as Red snatches a fruit from a punch bowl on the tray of a passing waiter, crushes it, and lets the juice pour out of his hand, on to the floor and into his mouth. Thus fortified, Red whistles and hops away.
HAMMER (off the departing Red)
There goes the weasel now.
Hammer and Chico watch with concern as Hennessy enters and shakes hands with Mrs. Potter.
MRS. POTTER I'm awfully glad you came, Mr. Hennessy.
HENNESSY
That's all right, madam. At a party like this, you've got to have the Law around. Now, a nice woman like you needs protection. And I'm here to see that ya get it. There's a couple of shady characters hangin' around that I'm going to keep an eye on. Hennessy spots Chico and Red with the key to the jail and rushes over to them.
HENNESSY
(to Chico)
What's that you gave him?
CHICO I no give nothing!
HENNESSY
You give me that!
CHICO I no give nothing!
HENNESSY
You give me that key. Give me that, I tell you!
Hennessy struggles briefly with Red and Chico and gets turned around. Red steals the shirt out from under Hennessy's vest. Hennessy discovers the theft.
HENNESSY
Who got my shirt?! What's become of my shirt? I want my shirt!
HAMMER Hey! ... You've lost your shirt.
HENNESSY
Yes.
HAMMER Uh, can you describe this shirt?
HENNESSY
What's that?
Chico unbuttons Hennessy's vest to expose his undershirt.
HAMMER Come here. Now, look. This cross...
Hammer draws a cross on Hennessy's undershirt with a crayon.
HAMMER This cross marks the spot where the shirt was last seen.
Chico draws another cross, thus forming a tic-tac-toe diagram.
HENNESSY
Cut that out.
HAMMER Now, remain quiet, will you, please?
Hammer and Chico play tic-tac-toe on a stunned Hennessy's undershirt then scribble wildly. Hennessy frantically closes his vest.
HENNESSY
Just as I thought. You birds are all in on this thing and you're all trying to keep me from finding my shirt.
HAMMER (rushes up to Hennessy, indignant)
That's a lie, you whelp! (suddenly walks away, hands behind his back)
Whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp.
HENNESSY
I want my shirt!
HAMMER He wants his shirt.
HENNESSY
I want my shirt!
HAMMER He wants his shirt.
Red approaches Hennessy and shakes his hand as the musical number "The Tale of a Shirt" begins. The entire melody is based on two popular themes from Bizet's opera Carmen -- with special lyrics by Irving Berlin.
GUESTS (singing)
He wants his shirt.
HENNESSY
(singing)
I want my shirt!
GUESTS (singing)
He wants his shirt.
HENNESSY
(singing)
I want my shirt!
GUESTS (singing)
He wants his shirt.
HENNESSY
(singing)
I want my shirt! I want my shirt!
I'll not be happy without my shirt!
GUESTS (singing)
He wants his shirt! He wants his shirt!
He can't be happy without his shirt!
HENNESSY
(singing)
I want my shirt! GUESTS (singing)
He wants his shirt!
He won't be happy without his shirt!
Red shows off his own shirtfront to Hennessy. Hennessy recognizes it as his own shirt. Red pulls his shirtfront out to reveal that it is indeed Hennessy's shirt, all folded up. Red hands it to a delighted Hennessy.
GUESTS (singing)
He wants his shirt! He wants his shirt!
He won't be happy till he finds his shirt!
Hennessy holds up his shirt to the guests.
GUESTS (singing)
He's got it! He's got it! He's got it!, etc.
HENNESSY
(singing happily)
I found my shirt! Thank God I found my shirt!
I've got my shirt! I've found my shirt!
You'll never know how deeply I was hurt.
I thought I'd lost my shirt!
It was given to me by ... my brother Bert!
GUESTS (singing)
His brother Bert!
HENNESSY
(singing)
That's why I love this shirt!
GUESTS (singing)
The beautiful shirt!
HENNESSY
(singing)
My shirt!
GUESTS (singing)
The wonderful shirt!
HENNESSY
(singing)
Now, that I've found my shirt ... ALL
(singing)
Good-bye!
The song ends and Hennessy makes a goofy but triumphant exit.
HAMMER (to the crowd)
And, uh, now, friends, now that we've found Hennessy's shirt, would you all mind looking for a collar button I lost here? Size thirteen and a half.
MRS. POTTER Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you'll all find places at the tables, we'll have a short entertainment before supper.
CHICO Eats! Eats! Eats! Come on!
Red and Chico run off. Hammer confers with Mrs. Potter.
HAMMER How about you and I giving this joint the air and indulging in some snappy necking?
MRS. POTTER Wha-a-at?!
Hammer rushes over to a long dining table at which Yates and Polly are seated. Mrs. Potter joins him. He sits at the head of the table, with Red, Chico and Penelope on his right and Mrs. Potter standing at his left, next to Yates, Polly and Jamison. Mrs. Potter taps on the table for the guests' attention.
MRS. POTTER Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Hammer will now act as Master of Ceremonies. Mr. Hammer.
Applause for the reluctant Hammer who finally stands on his chair. Mrs. Potter sits.
HAMMER Ladies and gentlemen ...
CHICO Two hundred dollars!
HAMMER In behalf of the Rotary Club of Minneapolis, I wanted to take this occasion of welcoming you to Waukegan ... No, no, I, er, I mean, in recognition of my many years of service with the railroad, you have presented me with these ties. Now, that, of course, reminds me of the story of the Irishman. Hammer laughs. The guests laugh. Hammer keeps laughing.
HAMMER It's so funny. I wish I could think of it. Oft in the stilly night, the trembling of a leaf can be heard, sighing through the trees, and the babbling brook as it wends its way onward, babbling and ...
Red, a peeved look on his face, rises slowly, casts a glance in Hammer's direction, and then staggers off. Hammer, puffing his cigar, watches him go.
HAMMER Well, I got rid of one. And one like that is worth three ordinary ones. Where was I? Oh, yes, on this chair, that's right. Heh heh. (monotone announcer's voice)
Western Capital opened at fifteen and a quarter, yearlings and spring veal showed a firm tone, and eggs were a little touchy on a falling market. (resumes conversational tone)
Well, my mother and father talked it over and they finally moved to New York. They took a little house in the Bronx. And it was in that little house that Abraham Lincoln was born. Much to my father's surprise. And that, boys and girls, was the beginning of the Lincoln Highway. And now, friends, in view of the fact that Miss Potter's engagement is being celebrated here tonight, so to speak...
Red returns to his seat.
HAMMER ... I think a few words from her mother would be revolting. I now take great pleasure in presenting to you, the well-preserved and partially-pickled Mrs. Potter. (leads the guests into applause)
Come on now, give the little girl a big hand.
Applause for Mrs. Potter who rises, smiling.
CHICO Speech. Speech. Great speech. Speech. Speech.
Hammer sits.
MRS. POTTER My good, good friends ... If I could only tell you how rosy-hued everything seems to be tonight. Red rises, more peeved than before, and, after a glance at Mrs. Potter, staggers away again. Meanwhile, Hammer sits glumly on the back of his chair.
MRS. POTTER As I look into your faces, they're all lit with gay laughter. The whole world and everything in it is bathed in a soft, glowing, luminous haze.
HAMMER The old gal is stewed to the eyebrows.
MRS. POTTER And now I want to wish you all a most enjoyable evening. As for myself, I'm sad. A drunken Red staggers back to his seat and applauds weakly before instantly dozing off.
MRS. POTTER I simply can't go any farther.
Mrs. Potter sits.
CHICO (to Mrs. Potter)
I'll get off with you.
HAMMER (stands atop his chair)
Now, friends, I want to take great pleasure in presenting to you the groom, Mr. Yates. Mr. Harvey Yates.
Hammer leads the guests into applause and sits as Yates rises. But before Yates can say anything, Hammer pops up again.
HAMMER Good evening, radio fans. We are now back in the studio. Stand by for your station announcer.
Hammer sits on the back of his chair.
HARVEY YATES
My dear, dear friends ...
Red slowly rises, now sporting a behemoth peeve, and, after a backward glance at Yates, stumbles away again. This time we see where he has been stumbling: over to a punch bowl.
HARVEY YATES
I, er, I, er...
At the punch bowl, Red waves dismissively in Yates' direction.
HARVEY YATES
I, er, really don't know what to say ...
CHICO Well, shut up!
HAMMER What a splendid suggestion.
CHICO (rises, shakes Hammer's hand)
Good, eh?
Chico sits. Yates struggles on with his speech.
HARVEY YATES
I feel highly honored, but I'm afraid, uh, I'm not much of a speechmaker. Nevertheless, Mr. Hammer, it was very nice of you to call on me.
HAMMER You must call on me sometime.
HARVEY YATES
I was just about to say...
HAMMER
Yes, come up and see my flower beds.
HARVEY YATES
What I intended to... say was...
HAMMER I want you to see my pansies.
HARVEY YATES
Well, uh...
HAMMER I have short pansies and long pansies.
HARVEY YATES
I was just going to say that...
HAMMER Next spring I'm going to get some early bloomers.
A thoroughly inebriated Red wobbles quickly back to the table and collapses into his seat, apparently asleep.
HARVEY YATES
As I was about to say...
Red immediately pops up. Everyone watches as he quickly wobbles back to the punch bowl.
HAMMER There seems to be a steady stream flowing in and out over there.
HARVEY YATES
I wouldn't dream of taking up any more of your time. I merely wanted to thank you all...
HAMMER Yeah...
HARVEY YATES
And, uh, as I said before, I hadn't intended to make a speech at all.
HAMMER Well, you certainly succeeded!
Yates sits. Hammer rises.
HAMMER Now, friends, the--
Red returns to his seat and silently belches a couple of times.
MRS. POTTER Now, what's the matter with him?
HAMMER That's that good Gulf Gas.
Tipsy Red tips over and hits his head on Penelope's shoulder. She pushes him away and he loses his hat onto Chico who returns it to Red's head.
MRS. POTTER (to Penelope)
I'm so sorry.
Red bangs on his own kneecaps to test his reflexes. Nothing happens. Then he pokes himself in the chest. Then he whacks Penelope's knee which causes her leg to jump. Her foot rests on Red's knee and he touches her ankle. Penelope slaps Red.
CHICO (cautions Red)
Hey, hey, what do you do? No good. Red dismissively waves off Penelope and puts his leg on Chico's. Chico pushes it off.
CHICO Come on, that's-a no good.
Again, Red puts his leg on Chico's. Again, Chico pushes it off. Then, they trade legs and arms and heads, wrapping themselves around each other.
MRS. POTTER Mr. Hammer!
Penelope pulls them apart and Red tries to wrap himself around her.
MRS. POTTER Mr. Hammer, can't you do something?
HAMMER I don't have to. They're doing plenty.
CHICO
(to Red)
Stop!
Red belches silently again.
MRS. POTTER Oh, this is awful.
Red rises and leans over the table to Polly, gesturing for her to leave. She somehow understands him and sneaks out of the room during the following. Red waves goodbye to her and returns to his seat.
HAMMER Now, uh, ladies and gentlemen, the, er, the first musical, er, number that, uh, we intend to portray will be the, uh, beginning and the ending of the very-- (to Red, shaking his shoulder)
We're gonna have music! Music! Gonna have music! Red resumes his behemoth peeve, rises and staggers slowly to the punch bowl.
HAMMER (to the guests)
Now, uh, the first musical number on the program will be a piccolo solo which we will skip. And, uh, the second number will be Signor Pastrami, the Lithuanian pianist.
Hammer leads the guests' applause for Chico who rises, bows, and sits.
HAMMER (to the guests)
The Signor, for his first selection, will play "A Cup of Coffee, A Sandwich and You" from the opera Aida.
(to Chico)
Signor, allow me to escort you to the dais.
Chico rises and Hammer hops off his chair and the two walk off.
MRS. POTTER
(rises, grandly)
Oh, Signor Pastrami... What is the first number?
Chico is now seated at a grand piano, surrounded by guests.
CHICO (holds a finger in the air)
Number one!
Chico turns to the keyboard, nods to the guests and plays a verse and two choruses of Victor Herbert's "Gypsy Love Song" -- the first chorus in a classical style, the second in a more upbeat jazz idiom. Chico, smiling and looking around occasionally at the guests, uses his patented "shooting the keys" technique. At the end, he rises and bows twice as the guests applaud. He returns to his seat and Polly re-enters, returning to hers.
HAMMER (to the guests)
And now, friends, I want to present to you a charming little lady.
Red rises from his seat, removes his hat and takes a bow.
HAMMER (to Red)
Down in front.
CHICO Hey. Sit down.
Chico pulls Red back down.
HAMMER (to the guests)
The little lady who is to become Mrs. Harvey Yates -- over my dead body.
Applause for Polly who rises and addresses the guests.
POLLY POTTER
I know I have the sincere wishes of all my friends and can only tell you how much I appreciate it. I think I can honestly say this is the happiest moment of my life. Look what I have here!
Polly unfolds a piece of paper. Yates looks at it with horror. It's a map he drew of the Cocoanut Manor grounds in a scene that appeared in the play but somehow is missing from the film. Yates shoots a glance at Penelope and then, using his eyes, draws her attention to the map in Polly's hands. Polly continues to speak as the guests listen intently and Yates quietly rises and exits.
POLLY POTTER
It's a little engagement present just given me by Mr. Yates. He wrote it just now. But he wrote another yesterday when the necklace was stolen. They are both in his handwriting. (Polly has both maps)
Let me read it to you. It shows how to get to Cocoanut Manor and the hollow tree stump and reads: "Hollow stump. Jewels."
MRS. POTTER (rises)
I don't believe it.
POLLY POTTER
(hands maps to Mrs. Potter)
See for yourself.
JAMISON
(rises)
Yates is gone!
HAMMER (rises)
Yates is gone? And I gave him a check this morning for a thousand dollars! It's a good thing it was my personal check.
Bob enters wearing a tuxedo.
BOB ADAMS
Oh, Mr. Hammer... There's a man outside wants to see you with a black mustache.
HAMMER
Tell him I've got one.
BOB ADAMS
Well, I think you will want to see him. His name is Mr. John W. Berryman. He has accepted my architectural plans for the development of Cocoanut Manor. HAMMER (shakes Bob's hand)
Well, happy days, old boy.
BOB ADAMS
Thank you, thank you.
CHICO (rises, shakes Bob's hand)
Bravo, Galizianer!
Red remains seated but shakes a bottle at Bob in congratulations.
BOB ADAMS
He also wants to know if you can accommodate four hundred guests for the weekend.
HAMMER Four hundred guests?
Hammer runs away and exits.
CHICO Four hundred guests?
Chico rises and runs away and exits. Red grabs the large flowery centerpiece from the table, puts it on his head and runs after Hammer and Chico, exiting.
MRS. POTTER What in the world's the matter with them? What is it?
POLLY POTTER
Now, Mother you must admit you were mistaken.
MRS. POTTER (extends a hand to Bob)
Mr. Adams, how can you ever forgive me?
BOB ADAMS
(takes and kisses Mrs. Potter's hand)
Oh, please, Mrs. Potter ...
Penelope looks worried. MRS. POTTER Ladies and gentlemen, you're all invited to attend the wedding of my daughter. The wedding will take place exactly as planned -- that is, with the exception of a slight change: she will be married to Mr. Robert Adams.
Guests murmur, then cheer and applaud, waving hats as they stand on the balcony above.
GUESTS
Hurray! Hurray! Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!
Bob and Polly stand together with the bridesmaids as MUSIC begins.
POLLY POTTER
(sings)
The skies will all be blue
When my dreams come true
DISSOLVE TO another part of the hotel where Hennessy lights a cigarette for Penelope who sits next to Yates, handcuffed together. Annoyed, Penelope blows smoke in Yates' face. Hennessy laughs at his prisoners.
POLLY POTTER
(sings)
And I'll be smiling through
When my dreams come true
DISSOLVE TO Jamison, Red, Hammer and Chico (a.k.a. Zeppo, Harpo, Groucho and Chico -- the Marx Brothers) as they stand together smiling happily and shaking one another's hands. They peer into the camera which PULLS BACK slightly as they wave good-bye.
POLLY POTTER
(sings)
That Spanish castle I built in my mind
Will be a love nest, the practical kind
DISSOLVE TO Bob with his arm around Polly. They hold hands as she finishes the song. POLLY POTTER
(sings)
And I'll be there with you
When my dreams come true
FADE OUT
A title appears over a very cloudy sky:
The
END
DISSOLVE TO the Paramount corporate logo.